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The jammie stalkers

It’s 11.30am.
I have a million and one things on my to-do list around the house. I’m busting my ass around the house like a lunatic, I smell like a cross between a construction worker and bleach. My hair is pulled up in an unbrushed ponytail, I’m sporting a tank top and checkered jammie bottoms and yeah of course I’m braless, duh jammies. I don’t want to quite get dressed yet since that seems anti-productive. These jammies are now needing a wash so hey, I’ll just wear these while I clean the house, then somewhere around 2pm I’ll be done, hop in the shower and put these babies in the laundry. It’s a plan. The kids, also in jammies, right now they are perfectly happy in front of the TV annoying the crap out of each other, but out of my way. This works, it’s a fool proof system of logic that enters the mind of most mothers, either at one stage of motherhood or all stages.

Then the doorbell. What the hell?! I am expecting exactly zero groceries, no packages, family has not warned me of any impending presents on the way and uhh, I’m pretty sure I’m not in trouble with the law. Panic sets in, I’m friggin braless remember?! I’m not supposed to care what other people think of me since my man thinks I’m the sexiest woman on the whole damn planet but I do honestly give a crap who sees me like this. And it isn’t whoever is behind door number one I can tell you that. I look around, oh yeah I just cleaned up all the clothes that were laying around the house and so I have absolutely nothing to throw over my bouncing boobs, who’s nipples are now sticking straight out because they hate me. Fine, who cares right? Who cares what the person behind the door thinks. I answer it, arms folded since, my nipples hate me, and the second I open the door, you can bet your Aunt Maybel that my kids will start yelling at each other, kicks will fly and someone will be crying in sheer pain. Every time.

”Do you mind taking a package in for your neighbor? It seems they are out today” Uhhh, yeah I do mind since, well as you can see I’m standing here braless now wondering if a) I’m managing enough nipple coverage with folded arms and b) scanning over my brain in true Terminator style wondering if I got to the point where I brushed my teeth yet. But aside from that, I don’t want to look like a total ass now since you put me on the spot Mr UPS jerkface, so fine ok I’ll take in the tiny package. I have to make up for the fact that I’m now appearing like the single most dysfunctional Mother in the world since not only are we not dressed, kids are screaming and I just look like I’m so not coping and ready to hit some booze. Dogs are right at the door with me and I race to get them in the other room while I receive the package, scribble my signature like a doctor on his little electronic piece of crap that won’t work (cos my nipples hate me of course) and he will stand there with his massive gut and unwashed shirt judging me. Uh huh, yeah.

So off he gets the tiny package, which isn’t so tiny after all and now he has to come in and leave it right in the hallway. Damnit. So much for being a good neighbor. So now he can actually see that the kids aren’t dressed, that there is cereal everywhere since the fight consisted of throwing cheerios at each other and not one of us has had the decency to brush our hair. So now I’m babbling at him making up excuses as to why this scene is in my house, just in case it’s crossing his mind to call the authorities and I’m ranting on about how the kids aren’t feeling well and I’ve been cleaning so please forgive us and uhh…. hes looking at me like Lady, I don’t give a crap about your nipples and undressed kids. Can I just put this package down? But I care. I do friggin care actually and I’m not signing that electronic do-dah until you listen to all my excuses cos honey, I’m a woman and so am armed with a zillion excuses for such occasions.

I sign the doo-dah (three feckin times) and close the door on the UPS delivery twat who smiles because I think he just got an eyefull of those nipples actually before he left. Jerk. He’s also noted my bright red face and now I know there is no hope in hell he’s colorblind. Double Jerk. I’m also sitting here with a package in my hallway that I need to keep my dogs and kids from climbing on while I finish cleaning the rest of the house and get around to that shower at 2pm. Twatface Jerk. I hate him, him and his stupid gut and sarcastic jokes thinking he’s funny and judging me and my dysfunctional motherness. And now I hate the neighbors for ordering a DIY explosives kit and not being home. How dare they work while I stay at home cleaning.

I swear to the great divine powers that delivery people have jammie radars in their trucks. They purposely race to the houses of the people on their list who are still lounging around undressed and unwashed just for their own sick entertainment. If they can’t get round to the house in question they use that radar to pick the house with the jammie slob in it. Braless Mothers are their favorite. They eat braless mothers for breakfast. Because it doesn’t matter if I get dressed 6 days of the week by 9am, it matters little that on the days I’m expecting them to arrive that I’m dressed and looking presentable. All that matters is that if I do have the odd day where I’m not dressed they will come. They will find some excuse to leave any package in their truck, secretly tape me, my nipples, my screaming kids and post the video on YouTube. These people are not normal, they live for this crap. Their truck is swarming in secret photos of my nipples and unwashed hair for a laugh. I think they get paid bonuses for each picture. Jerks.

So the next time you are lounging around in your jammies having one of those manic or maybe even a relaxing day, just know that jammie stalkers are lurking somewhere in your neighborhood. They know where you live…you’ve been warned.

28 Responses to “The jammie stalkers”

  1. Tania @ Larger Family Life says:

    Oh my goodness that was so funny! Is there anyone this hasn't happened to?

  2. Mesina says:

    Tania, I certainly don't think so! If such a person exists, I dare say they haven't lived. x

  3. Marybeth Poppins says:

    you just reminded me I better get dressed before the cable guy gets here! lol

    love it!

  4. Lisa Anne says:

    Stopping by from sits as I saw you on roll call. OMG this post was so funny. I am just like you, in my jammies cleaning house with no bra. I really should not go braless either as i could knock myself out. Anyway your blog is great and I can't wait to read more. I've added you as a follower!!

  5. Simplistic Mom says:

    I think we have all been there and done that! 🙂

  6. Mesina says:

    Marybeth – I hope you got dressed in time!!!
    Lisa – I thought most of us Mommy's would relate! Glad you enjoyed the post and the blog! Thank you. And wow, I have that boob problem too, boob sista!
    SM – yeah I think we all have 😀

  7. Eva Gallant says:

    OMG! I laughed so hard reading this!! I can relate. I'm retired, but I always get up, shower, and get dressed before 9:00. One Saturday I was dragging, so I was sitting in the living room in my panties and a t-shirt..not bra (also hazardous to my health like Lisa Anne, and my unmarried brother-in-law drops by…one Knock on the door, and walks in! AAAARRRGGGHHHH!

  8. Mesina says:

    Eva, ok I would like to say that reading your comment made me sympathise but is it wrong to admit I did giggle first? haha! No seriously your brother-in-law?!?! NOOOOO!!! I'm glad you stopped by, have a blush free weekend!! xx

  9. SE says:

    Just popping by from SITS to say Happy Saturday Sharefest!! 🙂
    I love this story, it's happened to me before and normally the delivery guy is HOT!! lol
    Have a good weekend 🙂

  10. shannon says:

    On the Jammy post….Been there done that..several times..congratulations on the fourth baby on the way…I too have 4..crazy I know but loving it! Laughing at the jammie post…omg..so funny! Hope to see you around my blog someday…Happy SITS day!
    .-= shannon ´s last blog ..~Awesome Video~ =-.

  11. shannon says:

    On the Jammy post….Been there done that..several times..congratulations on the fourth baby on the way…I too have 4..crazy I know but loving it! Laughing at the jammie post…omg..so funny! Hope to see you around my blog someday…Happy SITS day!

  12. Unknown Mami says:

    I don’t think your nipples hate you, they’re just friendly.
    .-= Unknown Mami´s last blog ..Fragmented Fridays =-.

  13. aG i THINK THEY ARE SO USED TO IT, HAVING THOSE RADARS AND ALL.
    .-= cat@juggling act´s last blog ..Chaos =-.

  14. Our UPS packages always seem to come late afternoon. They’d actually have to come pretty early to catch us undressed since I am usually fully ready for my day by 4:45 a.m.

  15. I had the same thing happen just last week. I am so glad all the neighbors weren’t out in their yards too.
    .-= JDaniel4’s Mom´s last blog ..Shearing or Plucking A Sheep =-.

  16. Helen McGinn says:

    Oh that was hilarious! And so timely I read this today; my husband is at home and I laughingly said to him “can you imagine if anyone saw me in THIS?” as I stood there, also braless, wearing my jammie bottoms which will go in the wash for the exact same reason as yours, an old hoodie and my hair in a strange flick type bun…don’t ask. The door goes and knowing how dense my husband can be in these situations, I dived down behind the couch….can you imagine someone coming in that I actually KNOW? I dived deep, baby and I bashed my head off the computer table. So yeah, I’m lying there, hurt and bleeding but unable to make a sound incase dense husband invites them in for a cup of freakin’ tea! *hyperventilating here*! So…um, yeah, I feel your pain. :O) xx
    .-= Helen McGinn´s last blog ..Blog Chucking and Giveaway Date!! =-.

  17. joann mannix says:

    LOVE this post! It is me! As a writer, I’m plugging away at my computer the whole day through, so that usually entails my writer uniform of jammies, no bra, and bed-head hair like no other. And when I say bed-head hair, I mean startling. My hair is quite short and my husband says I must sleep with my hands in my hair, because in the morning, my hair stands straight up off my head. It’s a good Don King look.

    Now, here’s the catch. We’re pretty serious wine collectors and mostly every day I receive wine that has to be signed for. I gave up about a year ago and just decided to let my UPS man see me for who I was. I also have perfected this slumped over posture that hides the nips when I’m signing. My UPS man doesn’t even blink an eye any more. Wait a minute, I take that back. He always seems surprised when I open the door and am dressed with my hair in place.
    .-= joann mannix´s last blog ..Lessons I Am Learnin’ You Today—You Are Welcome =-.

  18. Marie Cole says:

    How funny, I work from home a lot of the time and don’t get “dressed” either, I plan too, but I usually end up sitting at the computer like now in my jammies, it’s not until lunch time I have time to change….I do however choose not to answer my door unless I know who it is ahead of time.
    .-= Marie Cole´s last blog ..When Size Matters… =-.

  19. This is… and always has been… MY ALL ALL ALL TIME FAVORITE!! In fact, I was gonna ask you to guest post for me with this, but fuggeddaboutit, as now all of SITs has already read it. No biggy!!

    Congrats on ur day! Love your blog, as you know!
    .-= Kat @ http://www.TodaysCliche.com´s last blog ..He Said: “There’s No Place Like Home” =-.

  20. Aleta says:

    You’re giving me flashbacks! Honestly, I think you’re on to something here!!! I’ll rush to my room to change before answering the door. LMAO. Otherwise, they can ring forever!
    .-= Aleta´s last blog ..Mama Kat’s Prompt for the Week =-.

  21. zeemaid says:

    *ROFLMAO* Jammie stalkers. heh heh. In our old house, I didn’t have to worry about people at our door, in this one it opens right to the street and the stairs are directly by the door so I can’t sneak away. Who could sneak away with 3 kids anyways. *L*
    .-= zeemaid´s last blog ..The Relatives are Here! =-.

  22. Mimi says:

    I am currently sitting at my computer in jammie pants, an uncombed pony tail & shirt with no bra. I feel your pain!
    .-= Mimi´s last blog ..Random Dozen =-.

  23. pixielation says:

    I was once dashing down the hall with no clothes on at all, when the doorbell rang. And our front door is kinda see through. You can’t see details, but you can see movement. I had to dash back upstairs and put on a robe then run down again. They guy looked confused, then something seemed to dawn on him. That was pretty embarrassing!
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..The tooth fairy wields a big stick =-.

  24. Mariah says:

    LOL This is hilarious and something I can totally relate to! Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it today! Drop by my blog sometime, and happy SITS day again!
    .-= Mariah´s last blog ..A Cat Jumped On My Face! =-.

  25. alexa says:

    hahahha OMG! I love this! I have a hoodie hanging by my door for these exact days! It seems that as soon as the door bell rings my nipples KNOW it’s a damn man at the door who wont make eye contact ESP when theres lil candies waiting to be silently licked with their eyes! EWWWW! 🙂 thanks for the bed time laugh!
    .-= alexa´s last blog ..~ IMMA BE =-.

  26. I often spend the days in my jammies and braless. My son runs around in a t-shirt (we’re potty training) or just training pants. Good thing I live in the jungle and my nearest neighbor is a mile away.

    Happy SITS Day!

    Cheers 🙂
    – CoconutPalmDesigns
    .-= CoconutPalmDesigns´s last blog ..The Martini and The Sailboat =-.

  27. Andrea says:

    That is great! I must look out for the jammie stalkers since I do this exact thing about every Tuesday! I take a shower at 2 pm and go for school pickup!
    Happy SITS day!

  28. Gamma Sharon says:

    Oh My Goodness, I am having a hard time commenting, I am laughing so hard. It really pisses me off that I care what those jerks think too. And about those nipples, mine hate me too… pop right out when they think they can embarass me! LOL
    .-= Gamma Sharon´s last blog ..A Letter from my Mom / Mama Kat’s Writers Workshop =-.

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