So basically there’s a hit out on me


So, not so long ago I attempted murder for love.

Hey: SELF DEFENCE. That’s all I’m saying.

Hear me out.

So my partner and I decided recently that my garden looked like a WW2 bombsite. It was pretty bad. Summer was apparently meant to be coming (apparently) and it was time we started thinking about the great outdoors. There was stuff out there probably from WW2 and I think all the neighbourhood cats just dragged crap in that their owners wanted to get rid of, because there were things out there that I couldn’t even explain. As it happens, one of these items I could explain: The old bunny hutch. Tired, worn, useless and completely and utterly retired to a point of it being haunted all by itself. We figure, it’s time we turn that thing into wood scraps for the tip. 

This was the plan. But the plan, did not go entirely to plan.

At first, this seemed like ideal free therapy. Frustrated? No problem, take em out on the hutch and RIP IT TO SHREDS. This is happening, this is working, she is going to town on this hutch and starts taking this thing apart. This is all fine until she realises

There’s an entire army of spiders living in it. 


There is a line and you are either on one side of it or the other. You either cannot stand the mere thought of a spider, or you are one of them. There is no in between. You can’t be in some weird grey zone with spiders. You like or you loathe. Like pick a side and STAY ON YOUR DAMN SIDE. Here’s the thing, you really should be with someone who’s on the opposite side to you in these situations. Sadly my other half and I: we’re on the same side. Which means we really get each other, but NO ONE IS GOING TO ESCORT THE SPIDER TO THE EXIT POINTS. No. The response is quite simply


So after hearing the “oh my god” gasp that belted out of her, I run to the front to see the entire army of spiders and we both stand there looking at what appears to be The Don.

[insert gulp]

He’s badass. He’s standing there FROZEN. To this day, I do not know what frozen means. It could mean “try me” it could be “oh my god does she see me? Invisible mode activated!” it could be “I WILL JUMP DON’T MAKE ME DO IT!!” (this is what I think it means) it could mean “I will send my entire family to hunt you down” or he could be crying like a little sissy. I do not know. I cannot afford to take any chances. My partner is quietly panicking. She’s a pretty tough cookie, I mean this woman can seriously hold her own; but its a spider and we are on team NoFookinSpiders. I feel the fear creeping up between us and I know she really, really wants to get this job done. She really needs this thing ticked off her list of things to get done: that rabbit hutch has to go down. This spider however, is looking at us like he is about to send his army of minions to take US down.

It was a showdown. I panicked, I wanted to protect my partner and I had a shovel. I mean I LOVE HER, I can’t let this happen.

Like a psycho killer on the loose and out of nowhere I belted that shovel down so hard onto that Spider and screamed like some kinda Braveheart fighter determined to protect my love and


The hell?!

I freaked out okay? It was looking at her, what do you expect?!

She judged me. In my head I was the hero and she was like “You can’t KILL IT!” My whole thing, poof gone out the window. The Spider stood there completely UNHARMED which really bruised my ego, I mean my shovel was huge. I get to go on for 5 solid minutes about how I never kill any spiders and how I always get other people to let them out of the house and I’m all pro life GOD PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME OVER THIS and still we have the problem of the ARMY OF SPIDERS NOW PISSED OFF THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So we freaked out for another half and hour and finally decided to just leave the hutch for that day and pray they all just moved out.

I thought that was it, but apparently spiders take their time plotting revenge.

It’s started, I’m now being stalked by spiders. My attempt to assassinate their Don has started a full on gang war.

Today was the final straw. Today cost me a pineapple. A PINEAPPLE. I had plans for that pineapple. He knew, that bloody spider knew I did. As I went into my kitchen to do the dishes, he had marched straight over to the washing up liquid bottle and blocked me. I couldn’t move and he went frozen. (What does that MEAN?!) We stood there in some kind of standoff and I watched as he raced over to my pineapple and put his little legs all over it. He may as well just licked everything. *shiver* I was on the phone with my other half and based on the level of my fear and her trying to just talk me through this whole ordeal she just said “Throw it out. JUST THROW IT OUT! QUICK!” and in one swoop I just picked up that pineapple and screamed as I chucked it straight out of the window.

RIP Pineapple.

No Piña coladas for me.

That’s it. I think The Don has a hit out on me.

Thinking I was so big and brave, I sent her a picture of the little ninja assassin, in the final moments before the pinapple went flying. I get a phone call a little while later and she says


“All that fuss for that little thing?”

 Do you know how big a pineapple is?!


Could someone please tell The Don it was self defence and I was only trying to protect my family? He’s a family guy, he’d understand right?!

At the very least, please send my other half a pineapple so she can see HOW BIG THEY ARE.


One Response to “So basically there’s a hit out on me”

  1. Tyler Kelly says:

    Are you blaming yourself or getting irritated cause the plan didn’t turn out the way you and your partner want it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge