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I gave birth to Spiderman

You ever have one of those days as a parent that makes you want to just dye your hair, change your name, join the witness protection programme and piss off to Cuba?

Please somebody else say yes, before I have a breakdown.

This is where I have one of those really honest moments on the blog and get all heart to heart to say, toddlers are like the hardest mini people to raise ever. It’s that psychotic transitional period of life where there are absolutely no reasoning skills, no sense of danger, this frustration because they can’t communicate nearly half the crap they can understand and they end up screaming like cavemen because that green cup is the one you threw out of the car window last week and we don’t own it anymore! I’ve only got the yellow one, yellow is good right? IT’S JUST A FREAKING DRINK! You can’t even stay angry, because they have a built in cute mode. Do you know how infuriating it is to be getting properly angry, feeling your blood boil and then have a cute miniature person look up at you and say sowwy Moommmieee. You can’t even be mad, because it makes you a completely evil and twisted human being at that point. How sick is that?

When you start off parenting, you have this amazing set of ideas that you are going to utilize and by the time you get to toddlerdome, they practically force you into turning into a homicidal maniac. Nobody plans on having a nervous breakdown, it just happens.

So here I am with child number four. Yes I’m a slow learner, thanks for figuring that out. I have this theory that boys are like 100 times worse than girls at this toddler thing, mostly because they tend to do things that make absolutely no sense outside their own imaginations. They also seem to do stuff that looks like a fantastic idea to them, but is incredibly dangerous, like eat explosives and launch themselves off of bridges. I am more likely to find my three year old son sprinkling rat poison on his breakfast cereal than sugar and it should be noted….. I’ve never bought rat poison in my life people. Somewhere this child has connections and is on a mission to see how much I actually pay attention to him.

The worse thing however right now, the one absolute thing I am struggling with beyond all comprehension….

This child is Spiderman without the safety webbing installed.

If there is a surface he can get to, he’s on it. He’s throwing himself toward the wall off it and usually within 2 inches of some sharp corner to land on.

If there’s a surface he can’t get to, he’ll get a large toy complete with wheels to stand on in order to get to it, to climb up on it, to throw himself off toward the wall and usually within 2 inches of some sharp corner or samurai sword to land on.

I’m fairly sure I can’t force him to live in a giant plastic bubble, as somehow that is probably considered inhumane and cruel. (Seriously?) So I just really want to know where the hell I can buy the safety webbing? What sort of spider bit Spiderman in the first place and would I be completely off my nut if I considered getting one to bite him? I mean if it results in him getting the safety webbing to ensure that he’s going to leap from thing to thing and stay in one piece that would be totally responsible right? I’m only trying to do the best for my son, he’s really freaking me out. Either way, all my worst case scenarios that are constantly going through my head every jaw dropping leap suggests that one of us is very likely going to end up in hospital. Either him with a broken something, or me having a heart attack.

He’s the only child I thought I should probably buy one of those child leashes for- and did- but he just sat down on the ground and challenged me to drag him along the street within two minutes of walking. Smart kid. Of course I’m claiming those genes in him, obviously. I don’t even know what to do anymore, or what I should do, or need to do, or want to do. In fact all the to do’s are gone and my brain has been replaced with just a panic button. I don’t really know how to do anything but that anymore, it’s all getting a bit too Evil Knieval for my liking.

I’m going to check eBay for some webbing. I’m also going to look into the giant plastic bubble idea just as, you know, a back up plan. I think I might just get away with it if I can get him to sign a legal document stating that it’s a completely personal lifestyle choice for him.

Yes….yes that might do the trick.

Lock up your girls! We all know chicks are a sucker for a rebel.

Lock up your girls! We all know chicks are a sucker for a rebel.

Hijacked by Pirates and still no Johnny

Hijacked by Pirates.

Hijacked by mother freaking Pirates you guys.

There are times in a girl’s life when getting hijacked by Pirates sounds really hot. I’m not entirely sure why a ship load of smelly men with barrels of rum would seem appealing, but I’m not going to deny that the feathered hats and swanky boots don’t do it for me. There’s nothing quite like a man being manly in feathers and begging to check out yer booty.

So I’ve had a lot of time to mull this over, so what?! Stop judging me.

However it has come to my attention, since getting hijacked by Pirates well over a year ago, that the whole thing just didn’t live up to any of the expectations that I had in mind. There was absolutely no rum, rope or walking the plank involved at all. Ok there was rum, but it wasn’t supplied by the Pirates. No one got me the cute off the shoulder Pirate top and corset I asked for, which I would have looked awesome in by the way. I never even scrubbed a single deck. In fact, it was all a bit minus the Yo ho ho and more I’m declaring mutiny on this ship unless you give me my freakin’ blog back.

I can’t even begin to tell you about the therapy I don’t need now on account of this whole Pirate hijack being a complete disappointment. You have no idea.

So the first time I became aware that the blog was being held hostage, was the day I came to write a post and saw a picture of a couple of guys with machine guns. Machine guns, whoa. There was a bunch of words relating to some political statement about how they rock and somebody else’s Mama sucks, instead of the usual weird stuff on Artistically Nuts. It was such a powerful message that I completely forgot what it was. Way to go Middle East political movement guys, your message was read loud and clear in four languages and was a complete waste of your time. Somebody give these jerks a golf clap!

Since Pirates do not sport machine guns, like ever, the first Artistically Nuts hostage take over bid was just to advertise about an extremist group operating somewhere really super secret, for reasons I am still not sure about since there was no recruiting page or anything. So it wasn’t to gain any new members, it was just bragging rights. Huh. I guess it’s cheaper than a billboard?

I think that finally these guys realised that there wasn’t anything happening with all their free advertising here and I managed to shove them off the blog and get rid of their photos of them with their super spiffy Nerf machine guns. I figured that was that, we could get back to blogging about more useful stuff like my lady undercarriage situation, which was a lot more dire than a foreign gang war. Obviously.

But just when I thought that I’d gotten rid of my problem, those damn machine gun wearing dip-wads sold me off to actual Pirates.

Holy Mother of shiver me timbers.

A few days after being lured into my false sense of security, thinking I’d got one over on the extremists, I came on the blog to fluff things back up. Right there in front of my eyes was a picture of a Jolly Roger and a sign that said “You’ve been hijacked by the Pirate Crew” I could feel it right there in my bones, these guys were the real deal. They had a Jolly Roger and everything. I had to come up with another plan, I had to be much more savvy against real Pirates. I had to think on my feet and start scheming.

I had to get completely wasted on Rum.

How the hell I was going to get rid of a crew of real Pirates was something that my Worst Case Scenario handbook didn’t cover. In fact, it turned out I had given that Worst Case Scenario handbook to my Father as a Christmas present many years ago and thus I never actually owned it myself anyway. Either way I was screwed. I started looking through my files in my file manager (thankfully I hadn’t been locked out of there by the Scallywags) and noticed that the Pirates had renamed one of my photo files “XXX”. That’s when I knew I wasn’t just dealing with ordinary pillage and plunder Pirates here people, I was dealing with

Porn Pirates.

Oh. My. God. I didn’t even know real life Porn Pirates existed. I had no idea this was a situation I could ever even encounter in my life. Was I meant to prepare for a porn Pirate hijack when I started the blog? I didn’t know. I had no answers, so I started to think really hard about the entire situation I was in and put all the pieces together. That dear readers, was when it all made sense. That’s when the light bulb went off and I realised

I was about to score naked pictures of Johnny Depp.

This was fast becoming the luckiest damn thing to ever happen to me in…..well ever. Artistically Nuts was suddenly going to shoot off the charts in readers, my blog was going to become the hottest and most read blog in the history of any other blog, in the history of the internet. History of the internet people. This was huge. I couldn’t breathe. It all made sense. It was all coming together. I had watched enough Murder She Wrote to put two and two together and there was no other conclusion. Pirates could only mean Captain Jack Sparrow, which leads to Johnny Depp, which gets us back to the XXX files, which leads to Porn, which leads to naked pictures of Johnny Depp on my mother freakin’ blog. There was only one thing to do, I had to be patient and since I am absolutely crap at doing that
I had to get completely wasted on Rum……again.

So I waited, for so long I started growing armpit hair and leg hair which got to the point that little tribal people moved in. Nothing was happening. After many months of waiting, begging, pleading at the porn Pirates to please, oh please put my naked photos of Johnny up on my blog, but not a single picture arrived. I checked everyday, sometimes so much so I could swear I got a glimpse of Johnny but I suspect now that was due to the scurvy. The desperation set in, at this point I’d have settled for a pic from a mobile phone of Johnny in cycling shorts. Can’t you people at least deliver me a pic of him in CYCLING SHORTS!? I wasn’t even being demanding, morale was running low and I started to plan out my mutiny.

That’s when I was forced into Googling really technical stuff in order to steal back my own blog. There was hours of work involved typing all that crap, those are hours I will never, ever get back. Somehow, through universal cosmic order and some weird loophole that I must have stumbled upon, I reclaimed my blog back from the porn Pirates and began the process of restoration. It was tough going, it took a lot of coffee, swearing and bashing my head against the keyboard (which actually helped at a few key moments, don’t ask). So here I am back to the old Artistically Nuts (with a new logo) and the only thing missing are the photos those jerks stole from me and never replaced with my naked pics of Johnny.

So what was the freaking point in that porn Pirates? Was there some sort of thrill I’ve missed in stealing my pictures? Were they sold on the black market for Rum or what?!

So far, I still have no answers. But most importantly, I was forced into the extreme disappointment of not seeing Johnny Depp naked or even sporting spandex. So, in order to make this wait worth something and to at least bring some light into your lives and mine, I’ve taken to googling the closest thing I could find.


You’re welcome you guys. It’s the least I could do to spare you the horror that is waiting for the porn Pirates to deliver it. Those guys are a bunch of selfish bastards.

 

I hope your ship sinks in the middle of the damn ocean by a bunch of internet geeks you selfish porn pillaging jerks!

 

On a side note, it’s good to be back. Someone get the coffee on will ya?

Flowers? For me?!

You know, I am a sucker for getting flowers. I get all gushy and start thinking that I should have prepared a speech and then start calling everyone I know raving on about how I totally got flowers and how somebody must really love me. I think that’s a woman thing you know?

But really, I think the key to any woman’s heart is to buy her flowers that she is not allergic to. Chocolate equally says I love you enough to injest you with saturated fats, but flowers say it with far fewer calories. Plus you don’t feel as though you have to share flowers with anyone, they are yours to gaze upon and put a little sunshine in the house. It’s a win-win all round.

Right now with Summer having offically arrived, the florists are booming with some absolutely gorgeous summer bouquets to brighten up anyone’s day – or week if you buy the right ones. But if you are lazy like me, strapped for time or just plain loving the convienience of online shopping and want to send flowers online, take a peek at Interflora’s selection of summer flowers and I promise you won’t be dissapointed. I have used their service before a few times, especially since they are international and I have people back in the good ol USA to ship to and I have to admit, I found it very convienient and the quality has always been amazing. I recall ordering some for my Aunt and she got them the next day. You can’t beat that international.

I recently got their Scent of Summer vase arrangement, which I have to say was simply stunning. (Yes it’s the one in the photo for this post…isn’t it sweet?!) It smelled amazing and the vase it came with was a good quality. I figured I’d get to enjoy the flowers for perhaps 4-5 days, but hand on my heart those babies were still going strong after a week. It was shortly after the week came and went that they finally couldn’t go on any longer and started to surrender. There are STILL a few flowers in their doing their best to keep up morale attempting to stay gorgeous. Um it’s been 10 days since they arrrived. I’m kinda stunned actually and refuse to throw them out until the last one finally gives up. I’m getting sort of attatched to them now and started to name them, it’s going to be hard when they all go.

Also, if you are still scratching your head as to what to get your Dad for Father’s Day, bet you would have never considered a florist for man gifts right? Interflora have a whole section dedicated to some great Father’s Day gifts and before you go thinking your Dad would probably just give the flowers to your Mom and be all dissapointed, there’s barely a bouquet in sight there. The range of gifts go from affordable breakfast hampers, luxury hampers (if your siblings might chip in), personalized whiskey and even a bonsai tree. How can you go wrong with personalized whiskey people?  Last order dates for Father’s day stuff is 2pm on Friday, so you still have time! GO! NOW! HURRY!

A big thanks to Interflora for sending me flowers and making me feel super special. Also, If you are in the UK and needing to dig up some florists in London look no further. There is an extensive list of flower delivery with Interflora there, so you will be spoiled for choice.

Now to work on doing loads of nice stuff for Maurice to replace the bouquet in the next week for the vase….

Yes dear that was a hint. Ah hem.

Apparently my brain needs rewiring

I’m sure that none of you are surprised at today’s post title. I’m guessing it’s no shock and that I’m just stating the obvious.

To those of you nodding in agreement, I just want to thank you for actually reading the blog and putting up with my insanity.

So at the start of the New Year, I announced that I was going to be on a mission to get my sexy back. Yeah, I know it’s been a while. However, I have been on that mission and since I announced it, I’ve managed to drop half a stone. (Which is 7lbs to those of you that don’t know, because according to the English a stone weighs 14 pounds. Weird.) It’s not loads, but it’s better than nothing. So when the weight loss came to a halt I was a bit surprised. I mean it couldn’t be the cake you guys, it said low calorie which means I can eat the whole box.

I decided, I was a woman on a mission. A woman determined to figure out why I needed cake and why the scales weren’t moving for me. I can tell you I lost a lot of sleep…..there had to be something in my way. Some magical force that was stopping me from shedding the pounds.

Turns out, it was my freaking brain.

You can imagine the shock. My own brain betraying me like that. I thought we had an understanding. I figured all those voices telling me that half the calories meant double the portion were just being logical. Nope. The whole time they were undermining all my efforts to be slim and healthy.

This is serious you guys.

I needed a solution fast and as I reached out for another box of cake I stumbled upon someone on the internet raving on about a Slimpod. This perked my attention. I’m thinking sleek modern design, I step into an alien like pod and come out Claudia Schiffer after being baked for an hour. Perfect. But the folks behind the Slimpod at Thinking Slimmer set me straight. Less alien pod and more reprogramming your brain. After a whole 2 minutes freaking out about brainwashing, I decided it was probably a lot safer than an alien pod anyway and wanted to give it a go.  I got a phone call with a super lovely lady named Sasha, she assessed that considering my needs I could go with the Drop two Dress Sizes – then she quickly asked “Or are you more of a jeans person?” It was in the middle of the afternoon. I glanced down. Blushed. Then asked if there was an option for dropping two jammie sizes. They haven’t gotten to that one yet, so I took the Drop two Jeans Sizes instead. (closest thing right?) It’s not even yet on the site you guys, that’s how privileged I am. I nearly asked for the Chocoholics one but then I felt I wasn’t quite ready to go that far yet. Baby steps.

That was two weeks ago. Let me give you the low down on what this Slimpod is and how it works.

You download the MP3 or opt to have a CD sent out to you if you prefer. Each night before bed (or anytime each day, but before bed is best) you listen to the 10 minute recording of a really saucy sounding guy called Trevor who talks to you about how amazing you are and how easy it is to achieve your goals. Then I’m not entirely sure what he goes on to say because given the chance to lay in bed to relax and I’m off to sleep in less than 3 minutes flat. Plus he’s just really relaxing to listen to. Falling asleep is just fine, because it is reprogramming your brain so you don’t need to stay awake for the procedure.

The recommendation is to listen for 21 days in a row, when it becomes a habit. For those 21 days you write a one liner on your workbook thing (Which you print out) giving a brief description of how you feel using it. Easy. They even send you some great motivating emails each day for those first 21 days to help keep you focused and on track. After the 21 days if you want to keep listening, every day, twice a week, once a day, once a month…whatever – then naturally you can keep going to stay focused.

I noticed changes after day one. The next day I was eating porridge for breakfast instead of chocolate cake um….cereal and actually leaving stuff on my plate and stopping when I was full. You really need to understand that this is huge. However I was a little concerned that I was so easy to brainwash. On the other hand, if it takes me closer to feeling better than I’m down with that. Week one and I lost 2 pounds. Whoa.

I weigh in tomorrow for week two’s results, but I have noticed a significant change steadily since I’ve been using it and would like to keep going with it for a longer period than three weeks. I promise to keep you guys updated on how I go and also be posting a Monday Project Sexy post so you guys can all make fun of me attempting to get my mojo back. I’ll actually attempt to post some useful stuff like where to get the best bargains on make up to how to not fall flat on your face while attempting to exercise. That one is going to take some extensive research though because seriously, google hasn’t helped me figure it out yet.

So that’s what I’ve been up to the past two weeks, getting my brain rewired. I did ask to make sure it wouldn’t suddenly make me Einstein and also checked to see if they had something that I could play to the family while they slept about helping out with more housework, but they didn’t have anything to help me out there. Maybe it doesn’t fit in with the “Thinking Slimmer” theme of things.

I’m totally starting my own pod thingy. I think I’ll call it “Maidpod”.

I’ll keep you guys posted at the end of the 21 day period to see if my brain is completely rewired. Or at least half way rewired. Either way it should be good.

Bring it on Slimpod, let’s do this.

 

P.S. – This was a sponsored post. On account of the wonderful people at Thinking Slimmer have given me the chance to try their Slimpod out and tell everyone how I honestly feel about it. Thank you!

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