I’m Twitterpated

It needs to be said that I am so not technologically challenged. Like I’ve been around to see the rise and fall of the original Nintendo and dude, I was the only one in the house growing up who could program the VCR.

I hear your snickers in the back people, I’m aware technology has moved on since those days.

I’ve kept up, thank you very much. I know where the subtitle button is on the remote to the Blu-Ray player to turn that shit off and I’ve gotten out of the habit of asking the kids to please rewind the DVD’s. I’m NOT OLD. So when networking sites became all the rage, I climbed on then back off again before Facebook made it’s way to number one. I wasn’t all that interested in MySpace. Facebook stole my heart due to how awesome it was to just upload ONE picture for my entire family to see and oogle over the kids. SOLD to the crazy lady. My days of responding to a million emails stating Dear Moron, could you please send money? You’re sending the picture files too big and my PC just blew up. Also, stop calling. just breezed behind me.

Then Twitter happened.

Figuring that I was the super savvy Lady that I was, I thought Twitter sounded fun. Everyone was on the Twitter train and addicted, leaving Facebook in their virtual dust and having real time conversational parties. I mean who the hell doesn’t want to get in on that?! So I signed up, got on, starting following people and thought, damn I’m good. I figured all this out, it’s so easy. I think it took me about half an hour to realise I was having all sorts of fun convos with myself. You know, it sucks being that loser person sitting at the back of the virtual party, half drunk talking to yourself and watching everyone else have fun. Sucks. Also, terribly bad for my self-esteem.

Twitter had literally run my ass over and was mocking me.

I’m not someone who likes to give up. Oh no. I was determined to get to grips with a phenomenon so incredibly simple, it couldn’t possibly fail to work. I mean Twitter is easy in theory right? You follow, they follow, you chat. They say stuff, you reply. How was I not getting this?! Now Twitter was not only mocking me, it was against me. Twitter and I were in a full on war. I started dreaming about choking that damn little blue bird twat in my sleep, while Twitter threw giant whale bombs at me. Clearly, I was having more issues than I started with.

Then one day, something crazy happened and someone actually @MissMesina’d me. It was like, unicorns fell out of the sky and magical things happened. By the powers of Grayskull, or something, it all came together. Twitter was making sense. Holy crap.

I was no longer a virtual party loser.

With my self esteem in tact, me and the little Twitter bird signed a peace treaty. We’re practically friends. Practically. Because out of sheer freaking principle, I show up to the virtual parties late just to drive home a point that nobody actually cares about but me. But in my head, I’m winning, that’s all that matters. Such is the curse of being a woman once again.

So between the @’s and the hashtags, I’m Twitterpated. Finally I get it.

Now some new, better badass social networking thing better not get invented or else I’m going to strap dynamite to the internets.

**Picture taken from here.

It’s scary at Walmart

Ah Walmart.

You know I remember when my hometown back in the States first got it’s Walmart. You could feel this weird vibe throughout the entire town, it was a pretty big freakin’ deal. Walmart sent the entire town, blowing tons more money on shit we didn’t need and then coming home raving about how much money we’d saved. Well played Walmart. Well played.  But just when I thought I had escaped the clutches of Walmart moving to the UK, I learn that there is ASDA which is owned by Walmart. Can you believe it when I say, that ASDA is like a lesser quality Walmart? I know.

Now for whatever the reason, these places attract scary people. It’s like, scream you’re offering a bargain and weirdos come right out of the wood works wearing nothing but their thongs and flip flops to buy bacon in huge multi packs. The normal people that go there, often look scared, confused and wondering if these strange beings feed off human fear. I’m just here for the deals man, stay back. Don’t come any closer. Look multipacks of bacon in isle five!! Run honey, just RUN! Don’t even try to pretend you haven’t seen these folks, if you have ever been to a Walmart you have seen them. Their image burns into your brain so badly you’d do anything to take it all back. If only you hadn’t needed to go into Walmart that day. If only.

If you are still wondering what I am on about, and you are not ”one of them” The People of Walmart  have it pretty summed up. If you’ve never been to this site, I recommend you brace yourself, it’s not pretty. I can’t guarantee that you will be the same person you were going in.  Here’s a sample of some of the most traumatic Walcreatures I found there. Damn me for looking!

Warning, the following images contain scenes that may be upsetting to sensitive viewers.

You tell me, Tarzan wanna be, or circus freak? I don’t even know. I’m just mostly lost for words.

Why?! WHY?! Who the hell sold him the dress anyway?! WHY DOES THIS EXIST?!

This next guy (Is it a guy?) just seriously needs to get the fuck out of Walmart and get the hell down to his Doctors office and tell him the meds aren’t working.

No, Walmart does not sell your medication cheaper than the Pharmacy. And um, how did that hairstyle occur to you?

 This is what happens, when you can’t be bothered color coordinating your wardrobe. You just stick to one theme and everything goes together.

It's the rainbow bracers that so make this look happen. Accessorize you guys!

This next lady, was so unbelievable, I had to look four times to make sure I was seeing it right. I have absolutely NO idea what the hell style this lady is going for. Rasta Granny?

Ever wondered what happened to Rapunzel? Guess she finally got out of that tower but forgot to take her brush with her. SOMEBODY SHAVE THAT OFF PLEASE! It's killing me!!

 But there are some people taking this DIY Fashion thing just way too far. There are some items you should just not attempt to make yourself. My case in point.

If you can't afford to buy pantyhose, don't DIY them. Lady, I will BUY the pantyhose for you if you just remove that sharpie off your legs. Jeezus honey, you're at Walmart, they are like a buck ninty-nine.

 If you really need to go to Walmart, just be careful in there. There really is no telling what sort of horrors you will face inside and whether or not you will come out normal again. If Walmart starts offering cheap psychiatry sessions, you’ll know to steer clear for good.

Happy Shopping!

FYI it’s an identity crisis

Oh Saturday, how I have missed you so. Getting to lie in bed just that little bit longer, not a care in the world, nothing to rush around for….

Who the hell am I kidding I have kids.

So peeps, it’s that time again, time to train for the Geek-a-thon just in case you happen to be attending one soon. Otherwise I suggest you hold a Geek-a-thon one weekend at your place to stump even your geekiest of friends with your supreme knowledge of absolutely useless info. Do it. Then you can spend that evening making them feel stupid. Heh.

So FYI

A Walla Walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background. When they say walla walla it looks like they are actually talking. I am never in my life going to watch a movie the same again now. I’m going to be sitting there staring at the people in the background going Did she just say Walla Walla?! WTF does that mean?! I’m pretty sure I’ll be missing the plot of most movies from here on out and annoying the crap out of Maurice who will have to endure babe, watch the people in the background, they are all just saying Walla Walla. Did you see it?! HAHA….isn’t that funny? Watch! Are you watching? BABE! Pfft. It’s going to be hell. Then again, so is living with me I suspect.

A zebra is white with black stripes. I found this little piece of info and then, because I possess awesome research skills, (<—Haters) I found this on Wikipedia.

It was previously believed that zebras were white animals with black stripes, since some zebras have white underbellies. Embryological evidence, however, shows that the animal’s background color is dark and the white stripes and bellies are additions

You know what? I’m pretty sure Mother Nature doesn’t want us to figure it out. I think Zebras are like, the world’s most confusing animals and that’s just the way it’s supposed to be. We are going to spend our best scientific years asking ourselves Is that twit white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?! I DON’T KNOW DAMNIT! You guys, I don’t even think Zebras know. True story.

Anteaters prefer to eat termites to ants. Um yeah, but when whoever went to name them probably thought Termiteeater? Clearly that is not half as cool as Anteater and since they do eat ants, they just decided to name them that. Yeah. Then again, they could have actually come up with a more intelligent name all together that had nothing to do with what food the freaking thing eats. I mean most animals are not named after their food how insulting is that?! Those poor anteaters, I’m going to call them something else from now on. Hosenosers. You guys are so welcome.  

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool. He changed it every 2 innings. Uhhhh, I am far more concerned with how this actually occurred to him to do? Like at what point did he think to himself, man I need to get me a cabbage leaf to put under my cap to keep me cool. Does this not make sense to anyone else, or is there something magical about cabbage leaves that I am not aware of?! Besides, how much of a difference can it really make? See, now I HAVE to try it on a really hot day just so I can make fun of Babe Ruth. The shit I do for amusement. It really does get worse than that, trust me.

Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Do you guys see how important it is to donate blood? Where countries are so short of donors, they start to make highly dangerous activities legal so they can haul ass over to the injured party and start collecting their blood. Yeah, I’ll totally stitch up that wound for you just as soon as I get another pint, be patient!  I’m not even considering moving to Paraguay now. That’s just weird.

Well, I hope you all have an amazing weekend, filled with lie in’s and lazy days. Just don’t come here bragging about it, or I’ll send my kids over to your house next weekend. So while you’re lapping up those Saturday vibes, just be thankful you’re not having an identity crisis, like all the zebra’s in the world.

OK, so are you guys white with black stripes, or black with white stripes? Whadda mean you don't know?!? WTF IS THAT?! Whatever, you're making my eyes hurt.

Whoever figures it out needs to call Science. Pronto.

I can’t keep up with the chicks

Behold, the cutest baby in the entire freakin’ universe.

Of course I’m gonna think that I’m his Mama. This little guy is already picking up chicks faster than you can blink. We were considering a little black book for his first Christmas, except we are not entirely sure if we are ready for him to date just yet. But I am serious, every time we go out, chicks seem to flock from I don’t know where from and fall all over him like Omg he is sooooo cuuuute!!!! Can I take him home?! Awwwww!!!! Um, back off ladies there is no way I’m letting that happen. This kid has more moves than Casanova, even the guys are envious.

Did you see that little smoothy move he just did on you there?!

I’m pretty sure that’s the move responsible for like a hundred pregnancies in our area, cos he’s driving Mama’s to need another baby pronto. On top of that, he is a total party animal. This guy is up at least once a night slammin’ milk until 2am. He’s just hardcore like that.

So what’s a Mama to do eh? I gotta fend off the ladies every time I take him out. I can’t keep up and I suspect it’s only gonna get worse the older he gets. What a little heart breaker.

Well I’m glad you think it’s funny Kiddo.

Ask Me, Facebook dramas and chocolate

Well, it’s officially August for like four days now. How many of you are getting to go on vacation? You know the thing about having babies is that they suck your cheque book dry. So while I’m scoping out weekends in a super cheap hotel in Paris, Maurice is looking at me like how bout nooooooo. But the baby is way too cute for me to be mad.

So, you’ve been dying to know what the giveaway will be this month (just work with me here) and here it is:

This is the chocolate of all chocolate. Seriously.

This sweet goodie bag is from my absolutely favorite chocolatier Hotel Chocolat! I thought what better way to celebrate our final month of summer than with a Cool Summer bag of chocolates. Plus, who doesn’t like chocolate?!?! Ok, some people don’t but they’re just weird. My friend Cheyenne included. (You heard me Cheyenne!) Included in this bag are a selection of Summer Chocolates, A Strawberry Lick and a Tutti Fruitti Slab. Scrummy!

Remember, UK, Europe, Canada AND US entrants are welcome to participate, I’ll ship this international babeh!(Plus, US peeps, Hotel Chocolat is coming to the States and this goodie bag made their ship list!) For those of you new to Ask Me, you’re like…omg Mesina, I NEED that chocolate, like wtf do I do to get it?! I’m glad you asked. Just click here to see what this Ask Me thing is all about and please note: You do not have to have a blog to enter. For those of you with blogs, you’ll get your blog button (If you have one) and a mention with link to your blog if your question is featured. This helps get your blog out there a little bit more (not that my blog is going to get you a million readers, if it does please email me. That would be awesome.) So, let’s get to our first question of the month shall we?

Angelia from Amelioration asked: Recently, I post something on my FaceBook page that was, I will admit, rather vague.  The post referred to my teenager and her drama-queen-ness.  Unfortunately, my sister-in-law saw the post and assumed that I was referring to her mother, my mother-in-law.  She called me-screaming,yelling and cursing.  This has caused possibly irreparable damage to my relationship with her and has caused more family drama than I know what to do with.  What advice would you have for me and for other readers using social networking sites regarding choice of verbiage? This is why, you should never let your family on your Facebook profile! EVER! Ok, that’s probably totally unreasonable I know. This is such a difficult issue to tackle, because it comes with quite a grey area right? I know some people who totally avoid adding family, others who have gone in and made a second profile for ”just friends” and some who just stay the hell off Facebook altogether. But for us Networking junkies, there is no stay the hell off Facebook, Twitter, or god forbid MySpace. (eww.)

The thing is, you can’t control how people are going to take stuff on these sites. How someone comes over in a typed message can easily be misread, so when it doubt be specific. But if things are left wide open to interpretation and someone is going to make things an issue and pretend they knew exactly what you meant there let them kick and scream. If they aren’t going to listen to your explanation, or attempt to find one, they are the ones with the issue. I’d block them, no two ways about it. (Yup even family) You can argue that blocking will create more of a problem – and it might – but then again so could leaving someone to rip apart every damn thing you said.

It sounded to me (from your post) that your Sis-in-law already had it out for you anyway. She was just looking for an excuse to blow up and create drama, if it hadn’t been Facebook, it would have been something else. If she wants to play mind reader, there’s nothing you can do to stop her. Families are awesome eh?

Don’t let the bastards get you down. Leave other people to create their own drama. If you give into it, then nobody knows who’s side to be on. If you let them throw their tantrum, in the end they’ll be all alone throwing a tantrum. Those who give a shit will ask your side – those who don’t ask don’t deserve your time anyway.

Isn’t it crappy that we can’t all be grown up about Facebook?