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Me vs the Toddler, welcome to the war zone

That’s it, I’ve had it. The line has been crossed, the boundaries which were clearly laid out and drawn have now been completely stepped over. It’s a war zone here at my house, the enemy, my 3 year old daughter. Although her energy is higher than mine, I am far more cunning with years more experience. I’ve fought two previous wars against this and won, why should this be any different. So far, we have no causalties, but I cannot promise there won’t be any soon as it’s getting pretty heated in this war zone.

What’s the cause? What are we fighting for? Freedom. We fight for the right to wear underwear, we fight in honor of the Big Girl Pants, we fight to win. We are armed with two toilets, both strategically placed within the vicinity, both with easy access to coax the enemy in. We have a solid battle plan, a layout of the war zone, complete with access points, marked all the toilet paper storage points, as well as a timed schedule as to when the enemy might have a weak bladder and when we can rush in the front lines and attack. So far, the enemy has not agreed to our terms and stands firm ready to fight back at any time. Mostly, by simply ignoring our plea bargins and peeing as and when she feels. Not in the toilet. I can tell you, this war, is getting pretty heavy and tiring. I’m sending a letter back home in case I don’t make it back. We’ll fight till the very end…. but tell my family I love them very much. Just in case.

Alright seriously, I’ve been attempting to potty train my youngest forever now. Out of three kids, she has been my toughest customer, refusing point blank to do anything on the toilet. My other two, were totally potty trained before their 3rd birthday and although you can’t ever compare one kid to another, I had it in my head that she wouldn’t be any different. Man was I wrong. This one, is so smart. So smart in fact, she worked out that she didn’t have to use the toilet, oh no, she could carry on doing whatever she wanted and still get Mom to change that butt. Have I tried making her sit with it for a bit to get her uncomfortable? Yes. Did it work? Hell no! She could care less. At the end of my rope I finally wanted to get right down to the bottom of this issue and figure out what the heck I was doing wrong here. Guess what I found?

She doesn’t want to stop being my baby. Honestly. She’s decided that so long as she’s in pull ups, she’s still wearing a diaper and still is in fact, a baby. Have I babied her perhaps and kept her in a bottle too long or something? Nope, as soon as she could hold a cup she had one, plus she was breastfed until she was a year just like her brother. I think somewhere I missed something. Somewhere I got to A, assumed I had B, but went straight onto C instead. What happened?!

I can’t exactly spend my time sitting here analyzing it to death however, some kids just see things differently to others, but now I need a game plan. I need some action baby. I need….bribery. I’m resorting to star charts and goodies now. My plan is to wave chocolate in her face and tell her to pee on the toilet and strategically stuff the buggers down her throat when she does, while waving pom poms around, with glitter coming down from the celing and handing her a bouquet of roses. I’m almost to the point of threatening with Santa if that doesn’t work. Santa will not come unless you pee in this toilet! DO YOU HEAR ME!? If even that doesn’t work, I’m going to have to call Paul McKenna to haul his ass down here and hypnotize her in her sleep or some crap. You have a sudden urge to wee and poo only in the toilet, big girl pants are lovely, feel how grown up you feel inside when you’re a big girl, see how happy your Mom is. If even after that she still isn’t potty trained, I’m totally giving up and calling every University in the country to ask how often they get college students in with diapers. Do you think that’s normal? What about dating, do you think she’ll have trouble dating in college with a diaper? How about pull ups?

This is the first time I’d have to admit losing to the enemy here and believe you me I have a track record I’d rather not break. It will totally ruin my career as a Mother if she wins, then the other two will see that if a 3 year old can get one over on Mom, so can they. Then we have folks, a complete mutiny on our hands. I will turn into the most broke, worn down, welcome mat of a Mother in the history of all Mothers. I cannot afford to have my career ruined in one sweep. I need to up the stakes and do a surprise attack on her. Losing is not in my vocabulary, hell she is only 3. She’s a mere toddler. She can’t do this to me, who does she think she is anyway?! I will win this war, even if I am bald by the end from pulling out my hair, I won’t back down until every strand is gone from my head. I’m a soldier, I know not of pain. I will do this, she’s goin’ down!

She can never take, MY FREEEEDOOOOOM!

15 Responses to “Me vs the Toddler, welcome to the war zone”

  1. Kim says:

    Hang in there! She will do it when she is ready. I have hear of some success taking the diapers/pull up away altogether. I hope you figure out what works for your own sanity. Have a great Tuesday!

  2. Lisa Anne says:

    Don't put even the pull ups on her. Make her were big girl panites or go commando. The first accident she has make her stay in it for 15 minutes. She will start to use the potty after that. If you make her sit in her pull ups the pull up absorbs everything underwear she'll be all wet and feel yucky. It workd for my son he was potty trained by 2 yrs old. All it took was one day of keeping him out of the diaper and taking him to the toilet every 30 minutes.

  3. Mesina says:

    Great suggestion Lisa Anne! However, I do get her to wear the undies during the day, and let her sit all in it. She's unphased. It's so weird, as with my other two, they totally freaked out being soaking wet and were begging me to take them off. With her she's just like, yeah its fine. I don't get it!!! But I may try the commando thing, that's one we haven't done. Maybe seeing it go all down her without a thing (even cotton!) soaking it up might work. I'll try anything at this point, all mine have been trained right after 2 years of age, but well before 3….the force is strong in this one…..

  4. SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB says:

    believe it or not, i never potty trained my son. let me rephrase that – i never successfully potty trained my son. i gave up and gave in and four months later he decided on his own that he was ready. i feel like there is no set time or date – unless they're like 12 – to have them trained. they'll get it together when they're ready. good luck!

  5. Eva Gallant says:

    sometimes it's easier to let her be…right now, she's controlling you…I don't know. It's been too many years…and I never potty trained a girl. forget what I said–I don't know shit! lol

  6. Marybeth Poppins says:

    LOL…my daughter took forever to potty train. The boys took right to it….I feel your pain!

  7. Gabrielle says:

    Those toddler years are crazy, I had four of them and I was nearly insane, no wait a minute I was insane and had to take Paxil to prove it. 🙂 Have a great SITS week!

  8. Millennium Housewife says:

    I'm leaving my toddler until he's eighteen…Just over to say a massive thankyou for following my blog, it really made my morning to see you up there – cheers! x

  9. A Fist Full of Dandelions says:

    Stopping by from SITS. I have seen so many post about the woe's of potty training. I am dreading it!

  10. Emalee says:

    Hi, I am stopping by from sits…..hope you have a GREAT day!!!

  11. Dawna says:

    Oh man. . .I feel for ya!

    My oldest was, as yet, my toughest to potty train. She still wears pull-ups at night and has the occasional accident during the day ( like today.) Alissa, my four year old, potty trained herself at 2-1/2 days AND nights. Cody began to show signs of readiness last weekend, pottying in the potty several times only to revert right back to downright refusal! My second toughest? Perhaps. Only time will tell what Savannah has in store for me!

  12. Cheyenne says:

    I should know better than to read your goddamn blog when I'm suicidal. Here I am, barrel in mouth, and you start in with your effing glitter from the ceiling and I laughed so hard I dropped my gun. Dammit woman!

    "Santa will not come unless you pee in this toilet…" Brilliant!

    Okay, trying to pull it together. A) You cannot force it but you can tighten the screws on her. B) Taking off her Pull-Up will hasten the process statistically. No self-respecting woman, even a three-year-old, likes to have sopping wet pants. C) Do you really have a friend named Marybeth Poppins? That's rad. D) I laughed so hard I may have peed on my computer chair. Crap. Some advisor I am. E) She is so damned cute my money's on Willow, but fight the good fight just in case.

    -Cheyenne xoxo

  13. Anonymous says:

    When my daughter was 2 1/2 and being potty trained she was fully aware of her bodily functions, but chose to use a diaper rather than the potty. This was long before pull-ups. She was, and still is very bright and very strong willed. I realized it was a war of wills. I finally said, "I want you to tell me when you are ready to stop wearing diapers." The next day at the grocery store I asked her if I should buy more diapers. She quickly replied, "No. I'm a big girl now." When she realized I was unwilling to fight, the war was over.
    CW

  14. I have 2 kids and BOTH were totally not interested – bribes, rewards, treats, cheerleading – nothing worked. They were just ready when they were ready. Fun times. Happy SITS day!
    .-= Jeanne @ Inspiring Ideas´s last blog ..Father’s Day Gift – "Udaman" Chocolate Bar =-.

  15. Amalie says:

    found your blog through SITS and all I can say is hahahahahahaha! I totally went through the same thing a couple months ago. Your brother was potty trained 3 months before his 3rd birthday! You’re 3 and a half and still sit in your poo! ah! but thankfully he finally got with the program. I can totally relate to the pompom/glitter/roses thing. I was promising him the moon stars and sky practically if he would just please please take a dump in the toilet!

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