I’m starting to identify with Dora’s identity crisis

downloadLife is a little crazy sometimes. In my life it’s a lot of crazy most of the time, but recently it feels like crazy took a fast train to the asylum.

I think a straitjacket really works well on me to be honest. It’s like a giant hug to yourself, which is very therapeutic.

It’s half term. Half term means the kids are off school. Kids being off school means entertaining them all day, everyday. This means you dream about having a lie in and not having to get up to the alarm each morning for the school run, but instead you end up waking up realising that you have to find something to do for the next 12 hours trying to make mini people happy. This works until you notice that you’re doing a weather dance every day and praying for sunshine, so that maybe you can do cheaper days out because for some reason going to the park costs like forty pounds, when it’s supposed to be free. I’m seriously considering going into the mobile ice cream truck business.

I actually like the half terms, mostly the summer one. It means we can all relax, go out, have cookie face stuffing competitions, movie nights and park runs. Spring however, that’s the two and a half week half term where you cannot guarantee the weather. It might rain for two and a half weeks, or it might be bright and sunny. It might, be bright and sunny the last day of the half term, or it might just do everything from storm, hail, sleet, snow and sunshine. There is no way to plan anything, you have to wing it every single day. You have to just shout out to the kids “BE READY IN 5 MINUTES FOR THE BEACH! GO GO GO GO!” or it ends up being hot and sunny on the one day you planned to stay in and get things done. It’s just that time of year where nothing makes sense and you have to take cardigans, light coats, waterproof coats, tank tops, shorts, rubber boots, flip flops, all your sweaters, one hoodie and a suitcase everywhere you go. JUST in case.

After many fights, toys flung, days out, lunches, juices, far too much kid TV, get togethers, money blown, routine shot, I am slowly yet swiftly starting to understand exactly how Dora the Explorer feels. She and I are currently locked into our own identity crisis. I don’t even know who I am anymore and quite frankly neither does she. Her best friend is a talking monkey, my kids are practically monkeys, but at least Boots makes sense and the weather in her world is always perfect for adventures. I also don’t have a map in my backpack that sings to me, but I do have a sat nav on my phone that I swear sighs every single time I miss a turn and it has to reroute the journey AGAIN. It does in its own way shout at me I’M THE MAP LADY! I’m the map, I’M THE MAP! LISTEN DAMN YOU LISTEN! I generally shout back that clearly it doesn’t have kids in the back seat trying to tell it how to drive and asking where we are going every 5 seconds.

Why am I so convinced that Dora, who by the way is like what the age of 8 and going alone everywhere escorted only by her talking monkey and no one seems to be concerned about that at all, is going through an identity crisis? I saw her in a European country some years ago and found out she features in other countries too, with a grand total of 30 plus other languages. Those people in those other countries, aren’t even aware that she’s Latina. Like someone in a European country was shocked to hear that and figured that she was “Hawaiian or something”. This didn’t even make sense because she was speaking Dutch and English there, which is nowhere near Hawaii and I know that even though I’m American. It seems that even though there are episodes featuring Piñatas people are still confused. She clearly looks Latina, but still there are actually people in this world who are blissfully ignorant about her real roots.

I’m just still shocked that the piñata never gave it away.

I’m starting to feel more than concerned for Dora. She seems emancipated, talking to animals who answer back, speaking FAR too many languages, travelled so far that no one knows where she is from and I really do not know how much she is getting paid to be on that tv show teaching kids how to speak other languages, but I’m sure the producers are making more than her. Is she really a role model? Over worked and underpaid at the age of like 8? She needs an intervention with a lot of therapy. That kid isn’t going places at this rate, she’s already been everywhere. With that many languages, I’m sure even she doesn’t know where she’s from anymore. I understand that, she and I are on the same page there.

Maybe I’m just jealous. My monkeys talk back to me too and we go places, but less with bottomless well equipped backpacks and more headless chicken style with the entire contents of the kitchen in a plastic bag. I may not speak 30 plus other languages, but I do speak kid, which is practically like 30 plus other languages mashed together into one giant language. Only a Mother could work out what a grunt, point, scream and single syllable could actually mean.

Really I’m just concerned that the entire world doesn’t know where piñatas come from. I don’t think the internet is working anymore.

Honestly, let’s just get the routine back in the house so I don’t have to endure anymore Dora. I’ve reached my limit on crazy now.

Please send help. Or Boots.

At this point I don’t even care.




One Response to “I’m starting to identify with Dora’s identity crisis”

  1. Ivan Jordon says:

    I love Dora the Explorer, glad to know that you start to like her.
    Ivan Jordon´s last blog post – Reverse Type 2 Diabetes in 10 Steps Ebook

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