I gave birth to Spiderman

You ever have one of those days as a parent that makes you want to just dye your hair, change your name, join the witness protection programme and piss off to Cuba?

Please somebody else say yes, before I have a breakdown.

This is where I have one of those really honest moments on the blog and get all heart to heart to say, toddlers are like the hardest mini people to raise ever. It’s that psychotic transitional period of life where there are absolutely no reasoning skills, no sense of danger, this frustration because they can’t communicate nearly half the crap they can understand and they end up screaming like cavemen because that green cup is the one you threw out of the car window last week and we don’t own it anymore! I’ve only got the yellow one, yellow is good right? IT’S JUST A FREAKING DRINK! You can’t even stay angry, because they have a built in cute mode. Do you know how infuriating it is to be getting properly angry, feeling your blood boil and then have a cute miniature person look up at you and say sowwy Moommmieee. You can’t even be mad, because it makes you a completely evil and twisted human being at that point. How sick is that?

When you start off parenting, you have this amazing set of ideas that you are going to utilize and by the time you get to toddlerdome, they practically force you into turning into a homicidal maniac. Nobody plans on having a nervous breakdown, it just happens.

So here I am with child number four. Yes I’m a slow learner, thanks for figuring that out. I have this theory that boys are like 100 times worse than girls at this toddler thing, mostly because they tend to do things that make absolutely no sense outside their own imaginations. They also seem to do stuff that looks like a fantastic idea to them, but is incredibly dangerous, like eat explosives and launch themselves off of bridges. I am more likely to find my three year old son sprinkling rat poison on his breakfast cereal than sugar and it should be noted….. I’ve never bought rat poison in my life people. Somewhere this child has connections and is on a mission to see how much I actually pay attention to him.

The worse thing however right now, the one absolute thing I am struggling with beyond all comprehension….

This child is Spiderman without the safety webbing installed.

If there is a surface he can get to, he’s on it. He’s throwing himself toward the wall off it and usually within 2 inches of some sharp corner to land on.

If there’s a surface he can’t get to, he’ll get a large toy complete with wheels to stand on in order to get to it, to climb up on it, to throw himself off toward the wall and usually within 2 inches of some sharp corner or samurai sword to land on.

I’m fairly sure I can’t force him to live in a giant plastic bubble, as somehow that is probably considered inhumane and cruel. (Seriously?) So I just really want to know where the hell I can buy the safety webbing? What sort of spider bit Spiderman in the first place and would I be completely off my nut if I considered getting one to bite him? I mean if it results in him getting the safety webbing to ensure that he’s going to leap from thing to thing and stay in one piece that would be totally responsible right? I’m only trying to do the best for my son, he’s really freaking me out. Either way, all my worst case scenarios that are constantly going through my head every jaw dropping leap suggests that one of us is very likely going to end up in hospital. Either him with a broken something, or me having a heart attack.

He’s the only child I thought I should probably buy one of those child leashes for- and did- but he just sat down on the ground and challenged me to drag him along the street within two minutes of walking. Smart kid. Of course I’m claiming those genes in him, obviously. I don’t even know what to do anymore, or what I should do, or need to do, or want to do. In fact all the to do’s are gone and my brain has been replaced with just a panic button. I don’t really know how to do anything but that anymore, it’s all getting a bit too Evil Knieval for my liking.

I’m going to check eBay for some webbing. I’m also going to look into the giant plastic bubble idea just as, you know, a back up plan. I think I might just get away with it if I can get him to sign a legal document stating that it’s a completely personal lifestyle choice for him.

Yes….yes that might do the trick.

Lock up your girls! We all know chicks are a sucker for a rebel.

Lock up your girls! We all know chicks are a sucker for a rebel.

7 Responses to “I gave birth to Spiderman”

  1. Eva Gallant says:

    Oh, I can see it in his eyes…..he’s a challenge!
    Eva Gallant´s last blog post ..WTF Wednesday!

  2. Jess says:

    Yes! Yes! Yes! (many close encounters with sanity breakdowns)…

    Love you, great writing!

    Jess´s last blog post ..transition

  3. You are not alone!!! Love your honesty:)
    Leah Davidson´s last blog post ..It’s my SITS day!!

  4. Aleta says:

    I thought your comment about boys versus girls was interesting. I had more people tell me that raising a son is easier than raising a girl – this said after I found out we were having a boy.

    I asked my cousin the difference of raising boys and girls (she has two girls, one boy). She told me, “Boys don’t have the drama attitude, but the problem is if you can save them from basically killing themselves during their childhood, you’ll be doing good.” yikes!
    Aleta´s last blog post ..I am Mom

  5. Nats says:

    Hahaha!!! “somewhere this child has connections” <— love that!

    Missed your blogs…so pleased you're getting back into writing 🙂


  6. Devon Bradford-Field says:

    this did make me chuckle! any luck on the webbing? or plastic bubble? and did you ever find out which spider bit spider man in the first place? xxx

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