Hijacked by mother freaking Pirates you guys.
There are times in a girl’s life when getting hijacked by Pirates sounds really hot. I’m not entirely sure why a ship load of smelly men with barrels of rum would seem appealing, but I’m not going to deny that the feathered hats and swanky boots don’t do it for me. There’s nothing quite like a man being manly in feathers and begging to check out yer booty.
So I’ve had a lot of time to mull this over, so what?! Stop judging me.
However it has come to my attention, since getting hijacked by Pirates well over a year ago, that the whole thing just didn’t live up to any of the expectations that I had in mind. There was absolutely no rum, rope or walking the plank involved at all. Ok there was rum, but it wasn’t supplied by the Pirates. No one got me the cute off the shoulder Pirate top and corset I asked for, which I would have looked awesome in by the way. I never even scrubbed a single deck. In fact, it was all a bit minus the Yo ho ho and more I’m declaring mutiny on this ship unless you give me my freakin’ blog back.
I can’t even begin to tell you about the therapy I don’t need now on account of this whole Pirate hijack being a complete disappointment. You have no idea.
So the first time I became aware that the blog was being held hostage, was the day I came to write a post and saw a picture of a couple of guys with machine guns. Machine guns, whoa. There was a bunch of words relating to some political statement about how they rock and somebody else’s Mama sucks, instead of the usual weird stuff on Artistically Nuts. It was such a powerful message that I completely forgot what it was. Way to go Middle East political movement guys, your message was read loud and clear in four languages and was a complete waste of your time. Somebody give these jerks a golf clap!
Since Pirates do not sport machine guns, like ever, the first Artistically Nuts hostage take over bid was just to advertise about an extremist group operating somewhere really super secret, for reasons I am still not sure about since there was no recruiting page or anything. So it wasn’t to gain any new members, it was just bragging rights. Huh. I guess it’s cheaper than a billboard?
I think that finally these guys realised that there wasn’t anything happening with all their free advertising here and I managed to shove them off the blog and get rid of their photos of them with their super spiffy Nerf machine guns. I figured that was that, we could get back to blogging about more useful stuff like my lady undercarriage situation, which was a lot more dire than a foreign gang war. Obviously.
But just when I thought that I’d gotten rid of my problem, those damn machine gun wearing dip-wads sold me off to actual Pirates.
Holy Mother of shiver me timbers.
A few days after being lured into my false sense of security, thinking I’d got one over on the extremists, I came on the blog to fluff things back up. Right there in front of my eyes was a picture of a Jolly Roger and a sign that said “You’ve been hijacked by the Pirate Crew” I could feel it right there in my bones, these guys were the real deal. They had a Jolly Roger and everything. I had to come up with another plan, I had to be much more savvy against real Pirates. I had to think on my feet and start scheming.
I had to get completely wasted on Rum.
How the hell I was going to get rid of a crew of real Pirates was something that my Worst Case Scenario handbook didn’t cover. In fact, it turned out I had given that Worst Case Scenario handbook to my Father as a Christmas present many years ago and thus I never actually owned it myself anyway. Either way I was screwed. I started looking through my files in my file manager (thankfully I hadn’t been locked out of there by the Scallywags) and noticed that the Pirates had renamed one of my photo files “XXX”. That’s when I knew I wasn’t just dealing with ordinary pillage and plunder Pirates here people, I was dealing with
Oh. My. God. I didn’t even know real life Porn Pirates existed. I had no idea this was a situation I could ever even encounter in my life. Was I meant to prepare for a porn Pirate hijack when I started the blog? I didn’t know. I had no answers, so I started to think really hard about the entire situation I was in and put all the pieces together. That dear readers, was when it all made sense. That’s when the light bulb went off and I realised
I was about to score naked pictures of Johnny Depp.
This was fast becoming the luckiest damn thing to ever happen to me in…..well ever. Artistically Nuts was suddenly going to shoot off the charts in readers, my blog was going to become the hottest and most read blog in the history of any other blog, in the history of the internet. History of the internet people. This was huge. I couldn’t breathe. It all made sense. It was all coming together. I had watched enough Murder She Wrote to put two and two together and there was no other conclusion. Pirates could only mean Captain Jack Sparrow, which leads to Johnny Depp, which gets us back to the XXX files, which leads to Porn, which leads to naked pictures of Johnny Depp on my mother freakin’ blog. There was only one thing to do, I had to be patient and since I am absolutely crap at doing that
I had to get completely wasted on Rum……again.
So I waited, for so long I started growing armpit hair and leg hair which got to the point that little tribal people moved in. Nothing was happening. After many months of waiting, begging, pleading at the porn Pirates to please, oh please put my naked photos of Johnny up on my blog, but not a single picture arrived. I checked everyday, sometimes so much so I could swear I got a glimpse of Johnny but I suspect now that was due to the scurvy. The desperation set in, at this point I’d have settled for a pic from a mobile phone of Johnny in cycling shorts. Can’t you people at least deliver me a pic of him in CYCLING SHORTS!? I wasn’t even being demanding, morale was running low and I started to plan out my mutiny.
That’s when I was forced into Googling really technical stuff in order to steal back my own blog. There was hours of work involved typing all that crap, those are hours I will never, ever get back. Somehow, through universal cosmic order and some weird loophole that I must have stumbled upon, I reclaimed my blog back from the porn Pirates and began the process of restoration. It was tough going, it took a lot of coffee, swearing and bashing my head against the keyboard (which actually helped at a few key moments, don’t ask). So here I am back to the old Artistically Nuts (with a new logo) and the only thing missing are the photos those jerks stole from me and never replaced with my naked pics of Johnny.
So what was the freaking point in that porn Pirates? Was there some sort of thrill I’ve missed in stealing my pictures? Were they sold on the black market for Rum or what?!
So far, I still have no answers. But most importantly, I was forced into the extreme disappointment of not seeing Johnny Depp naked or even sporting spandex. So, in order to make this wait worth something and to at least bring some light into your lives and mine, I’ve taken to googling the closest thing I could find.
I hope your ship sinks in the middle of the damn ocean by a bunch of internet geeks you selfish porn pillaging jerks!
On a side note, it’s good to be back. Someone get the coffee on will ya?