FYI the News edition
Ahhh, the smell of Saturday. Just take a whiff my lovelies and enjoy. You know what, next time I’m going to take a whiff somewhere away from my freaking dog first. Damn, what do I feed her?!
Ah hem…. well since it’s Saturday, you all know what that means right? Right? I’m only going to excuse those new around here. FYI Saturday, crap you never wanted to know – that’s right, now you’re sure to be a hit at your next Bar Mitzvah. Unless you’re not Jewish in which case I’m not even sure why you’d be at a Bar Mitzvah, but if you find yourself at one now you have conversation pieces to woo everyone with. Awesome.
Today is the News edition of FYI, so I’m bringing you news stories from around the globe that are sure to make you and your family feel much less dysfunctional. I mean it’s just as good as watching an episode of Cops you guys, doesn’t that always make you feel less dysfunctional? It’s what I watch when I’m feeling all trashy, it gives me a boost.
So FYI
New York police hunt Darth Vadar after he robs a bank. Going over to the Dark Side doesn’t pay, just ask Darth. It seems that the famed supervillain entered a New York bank armed and demanding money wearing his well known suit complete with the lifesaving helmet, shirt, cape and uhh…camouflage trousers? Really Darth? Was this a casual dress down day or something? New Yorkers will however be pleased to know, Darth supports the New York Yankees. The bag he used to rob the bank was indeed a Yankee bag. No word yet as to whether local Jedi’s are working with the NYC police department as Yoda was not available to make any comments on the matter. See here for the full story.
Man in jail for just wanting a hug. But let’s not get all gooey over him just yet, the man punched another man who had refused to hug him. Awwww, bless his little psycho mind. I mean, knocking the guy out for not giving him a hug? Somehow, I’m thinking he has some issues from childhood. Thankfully he didn’t ask him out for a romantic dinner for two…..it could have been so much worse. Check it out here.
Automatic cow wash set to boost milk production. Yep, you read it right – an automatic cow wash system from a Swedish company may soon be adopted here in the UK. Apparently the swinging brush system can boost milk production by up to 3.5 per cent – it seems that even Bessie takes pride in her appearance. A car wash for cows? Seriously? They even described it as going at an ”animal friendly speed” – and what speed would that be? Can you imagine one of those brushes going Turbo animal friendly speed? I think Bessie would be pumping out milk shakes in no time. Proof I’m not making this crap up.
Man loses marriage over his addiction to eating light bulbs. Ummm….oh my god. This guy eats around 25 light bulbs a month and has been addicted since his first taste at 12 where he ate one as a dare. OK, I can see a 12 year old doing something that stupid as a dare, but come on he’s 52 years old now! He kept his addiction secret from his wife and used to closet eat the bulbs until she caught him one day. She left him after that saying it was just ”too weird”. Personally, I think it’s a little twisted too. However, I would have been tempted to stuff a switch somewhere and see if he glowed. I mean, he might come in handy if you need a bedside lamp or something. It’s like a whole new meaning to being turned on. Here’s his story.
Bosnian man claims aliens are attacking his home. His home has reportedly been hit with meteorites six times since 2007. He says, and I quote ”I am obviously being targeted by aliens.” Uh huh….. “I don’t know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense.” Yeah, you are right dude, it’s totally obvious that Gangster aliens are targeting your house cos you pissed them off. I mean, no one messes with ”Da Family” right? So they all keep doing a ”Fly By” every so often, chucking meteorites at your house just to keep you in check. Why did no one except you think of this? There might not be, oh I dunno, a scientific reason for this? Maybe your horoscope says something more reasonable, perhaps your cosmic alignment is out of whack. You know what, just sober up and get back to me on this. Some people’s kids ya know?
Well, I hope you guys feel a little more normal now after reading this, I know I don’t. So, whatever you get up to doing this weekend please do it safely. Because no one wants to piss off the head of the alien Mob and get fly by’s of meteorite attacks. No really, you’ll lose a lot of friends if that starts happening to you. Even outer space has a Don….
Nobody, I mean nobody messes wit da family....ya got dat?
Holy mother of Mars.
Some bizarre bits, there!
Eva Gallant´s last blog ..A New Kind of Tango
Eva, I know right?! There are some weird people out there….
Angela, glad you liked it!! Gangster aliens are fast becoming a problem….Fly by’s may become more frequent. *shiver*
Katie, thanks for stopping by! I’ll pop on over to your blog and see whatcha got going on there!
OMG!!! TOO FREAKING FUNNY I love the alien gangsters and the fly-by’s. So cute and I got a Visual while reading it. Then you came up with the picture after!!! Perfect.
Personally, I’m waiting for “Scareface Alien, Tony Moontana.
Get it, Moon? Ha ha ha..
OK thanks for the entertainment!!!
Angela
Stopping over from SITS and glad to have found you. FUNNY STUFF! I’m subscribing.
Katie Gates´s last blog ..The Handwriting on the Wall or- in this case …on the Post-It