search
top

Are you looking at my lady bits?

Don’t you dread it? The day the letter comes through the post or that phone call happens that says it’s time to make an appointment to see your gynecologist.

I mean there’s so much freakin’ drama involved.

All you ladies know the drama I’m talking about, I know you do. Because I don’t care how much YOU don’t care, I know you care. Just flat out tell me this isn’t how it goes down. You know this is how it goes down.

It’s two hours before your appointment time and you are running around like you’re prepping for a marathon. Your man is like what’s up? What’s all the panic about? You’re like I have an appointment with the gynecologist this morning. He’s all….Ah, what time is that? You’re like in like two hours. He’s suddenly got that dumbstruck look on his face that he always gets when he doesn’t actually understand what the hell you just said. He says Um, why are you rushing around then? You give that long blink, the one that telepathically says to him I totally don’t have time for this, but now I HAVE to explain. Like I said, I have a GY-NE-COL-OGIST APPOINTMENT. Now he’s like…Yeah, and? There is now a need for that deep breath you take before you give the fastest, most detailed explanation possible to make him understand that he clearly does not understand.

I have to take a shower, shave, buff, lotion, make sure my lady bits are presentable, drag out that one pair of underwear that makes my ass look hot, wear those jeans that make my legs look skinny, but not the ones that ride up my butt crack cos I need room in my lady bits today and then do my hair and make up which is so going to take me at least half an hour. So clearly I need to be rushing around because that’s going to take a while.

After like putting all this shit together in his head, your man is like whoa time out. He’s just realised, he’s never actually met your gynecologist and umm, the shirt that you’ve laid out on the bed to wear is that one shirt that makes your boobs look smokin’ and actually you haven’t worn that shirt for him in like a year.  So now your man is like

SHIT.

SHIT.

And you’re like

Um, no.

Um, no.

Except that you are over explaining how much you are NOT attracted your gynecologist in any way shape or form and your guy is thinking that must be one of those times when you’re saying stuff you actually don’t mean again. Which is really fucking annoying actually because to be fair, when you want him to link stuff together he never does, but when you are being upfront he is totally making shit up. So you’re like this is not like when I say I don’t really want much for my birthday and you actually listen and get me something crappy and then I sulk for a month because I didn’t really mean what I said. Jeezus.

So while you are in the shower attempting to recall your best topiary skills on your lady region, your man is outside the shower with this concerned tone in his voice asking you so what does he actually do to you during these exams? Now you totally need to reassure him that there is nothing at all perverted about these appointments, so you’re like well I have to take off everything on the bottom half of me and like he gets out these ENORMOUS salad tongs and actually that jelly they use is freaking cold  and then he shoves…Now you realise your man is walking out hearing the words enormous salad tongs because honestly, he’s still recovering from the whole you had a baby down there experience. I mean he just got the sexy back about your entire lady region and you’ve just gone and killed it all over again. Plus with all this having to explain shit to him while you preformed artistic miracles on your whoo-ha you’ve just cut yourself twice. Awesome. Soap stings on cuts doesn’t it? Who the hell said you didn’t sing in the shower?

Now you scramble to get the rest of yourself looking good, while your man is lurking around the house popping in and out of the bedroom imagining that the ugly man doctor is actually not ugly at all and is totally going to swoon you during your mysterious lady check up shit. While all you can think about is making sure everything looks porn-tastic, with class (obviously) and seriously babe, I am not going to run off with the gynecologist, omg. By the time you are walking out the door, you think crap, it will have to do I’m gonna be late. Your man thinks

SHIT.

SHIT.

By the time you finally get there, with two coffee stains down your top and a beating red puffed out face from running, you stroll into the waiting room with like one or two other ladies who are now judging you but who also conveniently look perfectly groomed. Once you are actually called in, you take that massive deep breath before you lay down on the bed of doom and Que the stirrups of death.

You either have a doctor that makes you realise why you left your ex all those years ago because he too couldn’t stop making jokes at inappropriate moments, or a doctor with the world’s best poker face ever who makes this whole experience entirely uncomfortable by NOT talking.

Spread eagle and you’re sporting two shaving cuts, one patch of hair in the corner you missed shaving that you will notice later, an uneven trim because your man was distracting you in the shower with his you are not going to run off with the super sexy man doctor are you  fantasies and you smell like a mix of pheromones, soap, lotion and is that perfume? Of course you didn’t actually put perfume down there, that was a total accident. Uh huh, riiiight.

But you know what? It doesn’t actually matter. Because that jerkwad didn’t even notice all the effort you put into making your lady bits perfect. There was no Wow, great job! or even a single Whooo nice…out of that doctors mouth. Nope not a mutter of is that giorgio armani I smell?

One worried man, hours of stress, two cuts, a soap sting that hurt for ten fucking minutes and you’re not even the reason this jerk loves his job.

Asshole.

24 Responses to “Are you looking at my lady bits?”

  1. Nicki says:

    Loved this post! My issue is “how much deoderant between the legs is enough to smell nice but not so much that it makes dough balls by the time you get to the doctor’s office?”

    Can’t wait to read more!
    http://www.non-trad-diaries.blogspot.com
    Nicki´s last blog post ..How I plan to Lose 10 pounds by the Time School Starts

  2. marymac says:

    Your ass always looks hot!
    😉

    love you!!

    FAB POST!
    marymac´s last blog post ..Old Folks and Cell Phones- A Match Made in Hell

    • mesina says:

      You’ve been checkin out my ass?! FREAKING HOT! Love you too! So glad you stopped in for some coffee woman – now I’m over to yours…..that pot better be hot.

  3. Shell says:

    Oh my, you made my morning! That was hilarious!
    Shell´s last blog post ..On Eighteen Years

  4. This is oh so true!!!!!
    Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos´s last blog post ..Glow in the Dark

  5. Eva Gallant says:

    You are too funny! My gynecologist is female; should I be getting all lezzied up for her?
    Eva Gallant´s last blog post ..Thrown for a Loop Thursday!

    • mesina says:

      Well if you can’t get lezzied up for your gynecologist who can you lezzy up for!? Seriously, she can judge you against other women. Just do it. 😀

  6. Totally love this post, and while I cannot relate to the actually ladies bit appt — though that reminds me, I need to book a prostrate exam — I can relate to stressing out before a bit doctor appt. Aaaargh!

    Fun post as always!

    • mesina says:

      Hey Brahm! Hey, just because you don’t have lady bits doesn’t mean someone isn’t gonna check out your wang-thang at some point in a rather stressy situation right?! You get it! Seriously, we should put a limit on this shit. Thanks for stopping by hon! xx

  7. OUT OF CONTROL EFFIN HYSTERICAL. I am in LOVE with this post. I JUST use powder (the Gyno subsequently inhales)…. never thought of spray deod! I need to carry some of that in my purse. Eckht!
    Kat @ http://www.TodaysCliche.com´s last blog post ..He Said- “Right on the Money”

  8. Rebekah C says:

    That was hilarifying!
    Rebekah C´s last blog post ..Meme Goodness- Join in and DO IT!!! –

  9. Caitlin says:

    Haha! It’s pratically impossible to not cut yourself shaving down there. I always do.
    Caitlin´s last blog post ..Technology is not being super friendly right now aka Twitter can go play outside by itself

  10. zeemaid says:

    That was hilarious! I think it would be awkward having a sexy gynecologist…
    zeemaid´s last blog post ..To Save A Life – Movie Review

  11. Angelia says:

    Holy Gawd you are hysterical. I’m crying a little.
    Angelia´s last blog post ..99 Things

  12. You had me at lady bits. And then I was in pieces. Too funny and too true. Except usually I see a lady gyne so why is there still that pressure? And did you just refer to somebody’s wang-thang? I love you. Seriously.
    Babes about Town´s last blog post ..Babes Away- Escape to Africa

    • mesina says:

      I think there is still pressure even with a woman since she sees other Whoo-Ha’s all damn day and has the right to make accurate comparisions! Besides, women judge more than men right? Glad you love me Uju, it makes this love/love relationship all balanced out. xxxx

  13. Great post. I must have something wrong with me because after 2 kids, I really don’t go through all that anymore…lol.
    Michelle Saunderson´s last blog post ..The Last Song- Good Movie

  14. well this is pretty cool i must say

  15. northernmum says:

    funny again! this blog is so up my street – I have subscribed!

    jane
    northernmum´s last blog post ..Sorry to bother you Santa…

  16. Honest Mum says:

    This was frikkin’ hilarious. Where do I sign up to subscribe!

    • mesina says:

      If you see poor Jack (he’s the bear I hold hostage who’s forced to work in my advertising department) he will set you all up with subscribing to this here blog.

      Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for stopping in! xx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

top