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Are you looking at my lady bits?

Don’t you dread it? The day the letter comes through the post or that phone call happens that says it’s time to make an appointment to see your gynecologist.

I mean there’s so much freakin’ drama involved.

All you ladies know the drama I’m talking about, I know you do. Because I don’t care how much YOU don’t care, I know you care. Just flat out tell me this isn’t how it goes down. You know this is how it goes down.

It’s two hours before your appointment time and you are running around like you’re prepping for a marathon. Your man is like what’s up? What’s all the panic about? You’re like I have an appointment with the gynecologist this morning. He’s all….Ah, what time is that? You’re like in like two hours. He’s suddenly got that dumbstruck look on his face that he always gets when he doesn’t actually understand what the hell you just said. He says Um, why are you rushing around then? You give that long blink, the one that telepathically says to him I totally don’t have time for this, but now I HAVE to explain. Like I said, I have a GY-NE-COL-OGIST APPOINTMENT. Now he’s like…Yeah, and? There is now a need for that deep breath you take before you give the fastest, most detailed explanation possible to make him understand that he clearly does not understand.

I have to take a shower, shave, buff, lotion, make sure my lady bits are presentable, drag out that one pair of underwear that makes my ass look hot, wear those jeans that make my legs look skinny, but not the ones that ride up my butt crack cos I need room in my lady bits today and then do my hair and make up which is so going to take me at least half an hour. So clearly I need to be rushing around because that’s going to take a while.

After like putting all this shit together in his head, your man is like whoa time out. He’s just realised, he’s never actually met your gynecologist and umm, the shirt that you’ve laid out on the bed to wear is that one shirt that makes your boobs look smokin’ and actually you haven’t worn that shirt for him in like a year.  So now your man is like

SHIT.

SHIT.

And you’re like

Um, no.

Um, no.

Except that you are over explaining how much you are NOT attracted your gynecologist in any way shape or form and your guy is thinking that must be one of those times when you’re saying stuff you actually don’t mean again. Which is really fucking annoying actually because to be fair, when you want him to link stuff together he never does, but when you are being upfront he is totally making shit up. So you’re like this is not like when I say I don’t really want much for my birthday and you actually listen and get me something crappy and then I sulk for a month because I didn’t really mean what I said. Jeezus.

So while you are in the shower attempting to recall your best topiary skills on your lady region, your man is outside the shower with this concerned tone in his voice asking you so what does he actually do to you during these exams? Now you totally need to reassure him that there is nothing at all perverted about these appointments, so you’re like well I have to take off everything on the bottom half of me and like he gets out these ENORMOUS salad tongs and actually that jelly they use is freaking cold  and then he shoves…Now you realise your man is walking out hearing the words enormous salad tongs because honestly, he’s still recovering from the whole you had a baby down there experience. I mean he just got the sexy back about your entire lady region and you’ve just gone and killed it all over again. Plus with all this having to explain shit to him while you preformed artistic miracles on your whoo-ha you’ve just cut yourself twice. Awesome. Soap stings on cuts doesn’t it? Who the hell said you didn’t sing in the shower?

Now you scramble to get the rest of yourself looking good, while your man is lurking around the house popping in and out of the bedroom imagining that the ugly man doctor is actually not ugly at all and is totally going to swoon you during your mysterious lady check up shit. While all you can think about is making sure everything looks porn-tastic, with class (obviously) and seriously babe, I am not going to run off with the gynecologist, omg. By the time you are walking out the door, you think crap, it will have to do I’m gonna be late. Your man thinks

SHIT.

SHIT.

By the time you finally get there, with two coffee stains down your top and a beating red puffed out face from running, you stroll into the waiting room with like one or two other ladies who are now judging you but who also conveniently look perfectly groomed. Once you are actually called in, you take that massive deep breath before you lay down on the bed of doom and Que the stirrups of death.

You either have a doctor that makes you realise why you left your ex all those years ago because he too couldn’t stop making jokes at inappropriate moments, or a doctor with the world’s best poker face ever who makes this whole experience entirely uncomfortable by NOT talking.

Spread eagle and you’re sporting two shaving cuts, one patch of hair in the corner you missed shaving that you will notice later, an uneven trim because your man was distracting you in the shower with his you are not going to run off with the super sexy man doctor are you  fantasies and you smell like a mix of pheromones, soap, lotion and is that perfume? Of course you didn’t actually put perfume down there, that was a total accident. Uh huh, riiiight.

But you know what? It doesn’t actually matter. Because that jerkwad didn’t even notice all the effort you put into making your lady bits perfect. There was no Wow, great job! or even a single Whooo nice…out of that doctors mouth. Nope not a mutter of is that giorgio armani I smell?

One worried man, hours of stress, two cuts, a soap sting that hurt for ten fucking minutes and you’re not even the reason this jerk loves his job.

Asshole.

The Best Of

It’s like if Elvis and Michael Jackson got together and made a best hits album. Only with a lot less crotch grabbing.

The Best of the funny side of me

Are you looking at my lady bits?

Pick it up, or the bear gets it

The jammie stalkers

Ninja Mouse

He’s gone, so I’m wearing my granny pants

And the Oscar goes to…

The sick mind of a mother

My superhero cape has holes

I’m having a moment

Me vs the Toddler, welcome to the war zone

The Best of the inspirational musings (see it’s not always funny)

The many faces of honesty

The power of a single moment

The Gift

And every day the world seems a little stranger

For every time…

Since I was born

Nuby

This is a review post

When it comes to baby stuff, you can get lost in a sea of choices. What’s the essentials? What can we do without? What can’t we do without?

Since I was sure after I had my third child that I was done having kids, I sorta never kept hold of much in the way of baby essentials. So when I figured out that actually, I’m not done having kids I got to start from scratch with baby stuff. Sounds fun in theory, but really it’s just super expensive. On the other hand, I’ve been amazed at how quickly these things advance but thankfully not everything plays music and lights up. My sanity people, is already on the edge.

So in the midst of all my headspinning complexities of baby crap, Nuby got hold of me and said honestly lady, it’s not that hard. Let us send you some stuff to prove it’s really not complicated. So I agreed and made them pinky swear that they wouldn’t send me anything in girl colors, since my son has a reputation to uphold and can’t be caught out with a hot pink barbie bottle or something weird. He’s way too much of a man for that. So was I impressed with the selection of goods Nuby had on offer? Cross my heart and hope to get bombed on by a bird if I’m lying – this stuff is fast becoming essentials for Jared and I. Let me give you the low down.

Cherry and Natural Flex orthodontic Soothers I knew about these prior to being sent them, since Nuby and Tommie Tippee used to produce these together. None of my kids have yet to take to a dummy (pacifier for us US folks) but Jared is a let me see if I can get milk out of there sort of kid. However NO dummy to date has been able to win him over. I did my homework about which type breastfed babies tended to go for, and this was the one always suggested by other Mom’s. But here in the UK, parents were giving their right arm on Ebay begging to get hold of the old Tommie Tippee ones which were discontinued a while back. Fret no more, Nuby is selling them on their own now and even Jared will take to this one once in a while! (But he’s still not a die hard dummy baby – he’s trying to be a thumb sucker). The unique design? The dummy isn’t just a piece of silicone attatched to plastic. It’s actually a soft silicone base on the plastic piece that gently moves in and out when the baby sucks, mimicking a breast. It’s also slightly textured to help sooth gums for teething. I’ve heard of Mom’s swearing by this dummy alone, so it’s certainly worth a shot if your baby loves dummies.

Silicone Nurser bottles These are the coolest thing and not something I’ve actually seen anywhere else so far. The entire bottle is soft squeezable silicone, designed for the first stages in bottle feeding. Now Jared is a breastfed baby, but recently we’ve had to top him up with a bottle or two a day of formula because I’m not joking or exaggerating when I say I was feeding 90% of the day. Although these are designed for first bottle feeds, I think we will be using them until he gives up the bottle habit. Since he is breastfed and trying to hold his bottle with his fists, when he touches these ones he seems to be a bit more comforted. I think the soft silicone is the closest thing to feeling ”fleshy” – in a good way guys! Also, you can give it a squeeze to push out the air creating a bit less air gulping. I also got sent their ”normal” bottles from the Natural Touch range, which are lovely bottles, but nothing vastly different from the other bottles you can get on the market with the breast shaped teats.

The Nibbler As soon as Jared is actually on solids, I doubt I will be anywhere without this. You might have seen something similar before, but this is a weaning thing (I dunno, tool? Thingy-ma-bob? Doo-hickey?) that you twist open and pop solid bits of food (like say carrots, fruit, ice cubes, etc) into the mesh bag and let the babies nibble on them safely. It prevents the babies from getting any big chunks in their mouths and choking, but allows them to get the flavor and have fun munching on stuff. It is so awesome! They are also not expensive at all, Nuby has them on their website for £3.99. So when I got it, I thought the only major downside was if the mesh wore out, got a hole, ripped, whatever. But I was looking on their website and BAM! they sell 3 packs of mesh replacements for the same price as the Nibbler. It’s like they read my mind. The handle is a nice and chunky, very durable and easy to hold for little ones. I put one in Jared’s hand (he’s coming up to 4 months) and even he could hold it. There is no way the babies could accidentally twist these open when you weren’t looking, you have to actually push in the sides and twist, for any Mom’s out there who would be worried about that. We know how sneaky those kids are….

Grip N Sip cups Jared can’t use these yet (we tried, he stared at me like You do know how old I am right? You fail at Motherhood) However, I’d like to think four kids makes me a sippy cup expert since I’ve already seen three of them past that stage in life. Most sippy cups are hard plastic things, with plastic tops that eventually get teeth marks ingrained into the spout and people look at you as though you’ve let your dog chew on them before shoving them into your kid’s mouth. Which may or may not be true, that part is irrelevant. These ones though, are hard plastic bottoms, with a tough plastic lid BUT…the actual spout bit is soft silicone (Nuby loves their silicone huh?) almost like a bottle teat. I really think this makes it far better on the little one’s mouths, and since there really isn’t a way that they can treat this like a bottle (I mean what would be the point if that was the case?) this is still a step away from the bottle itself. So then I was like yeah but what if the spout eventually rips from wear and tear? Goodbye cup! So once again I got onto their website and Badda-Bing! Nuby sells replacement spouts for the cup for £1.99! So, no more being judged by other people who think you are too cheap to buy your dog his own chew toy, these will stay free of teeth marks and be nicer for your little one to drink out of.

IcyBite teething keys I actually remember buying these keys for my daughter. Keys are always something kids love, even key shaped toys and although I’m sure it’s the noise they make when they jingle, they are the sort of thing that always makes the toy box. These are nice, because the keys themselves are stuffed with a safe gel material. Pop the keys in the freezer and the gel freezes up and stays cold for a while to soothe baby’s sore gums. Now Jared might only be coming up to 4 months, but he’s been teething since he was 2 1/2 months already (yes all my kids get their teeth early – my older son was 12 weeks old and cut TWO at once). Between the gum numbing gel and these keys, he’s coping with the pain but not really getting a grip on the drooling thing. These keys actually won the Practical Parenting Bronze award and are only £3.99 on Nuby’s website – well worth the four quid if you ask me.

So there you have it, some essentials to pop on your baby list and even a few bonus things that you can pick up for a seriously reasonable price. I’m really impressed with the quality, but most of all the price of the stuff on their site to be honest.

A huge thank you to Nuby for being so generous! And thanks also to Mom Bloggers Club  for putting us all together for this. If you want anything for your little one here’s their website.  In the US? Nuby is there too, here’s where to go if you’re Stateside!

Absolutely everything in this review is 100% my own opinion. From one Mother to another. See my promise here.

Ask Me – June winner and family chaos

Ask Me. Get promoted. Win stuff.

Oh I nearly thought today’s post wouldn’t happen! But it’s here, in all it’s glory and addressing all those pesky things that you really need answers to. Like if you feed chocolate to a cow for long enough, what”s the chance of getting chocolate milk? Um…for those actually curious it’s a big fat zero. I know, you’ll have to forfit your dreams of buying Bessy and 1,000 cases of Willly Wonka bars. Plus, it’s probably cheaper anyway if you just stick to buying it at the store – see how much money I just saved you?! Proof that reading my blog is good for your budget.

So, today’s edition of Ask Me features two questions from a lovely lady today, plus the announcement of June’s winner of the Super awesome totebag that everyone is going to mug you for  But please do not email me later saying how getting mugged ruined your life or anything, because I just couldn’t take that kinda pressure. Or responsibility, I have enough of that thanks!

Angelia from Amelioration asked two questions: My husbands family just invites themselves or assumes that they can stay with us.  For instance, if they travel to our home for one of the kids birthday parties I will hear something like “We’ll just stay with you guys and head home Sunday afternoon.”  While I want them at parties and other events, they only live an hour away.  Perfectly acceptable drive home distance.  To complicate matters further, my husband sees no issue with this.  How can I get them to stop assuming and start asking? And here-in lies the joy of the In-Laws, dontcha just love it?! Ah hem. It’s seems to me that what we have here, is a failure to communicate! Honestly, the issue can’t be addressed with the in-laws until it’s addressed with your Hubby. This is precisely why they continue to invite themselves over at every given opportunity and while no one except you has an issue with it. But to back you up right here, I completely see your point, I think that would drive me to potentially doing very bad things.  The only way you are going to get this resolved is by sitting your hubby down and having a heart to heart, being able to look him straight in the eye and say Honey I love you but your family is driving me freaking insane. Please make the bad people go away. If he still insists that there is no problem and all the family sleep overs are going to continue, may I suggest you having an all out Ho-down with your ENTIRE FAMILY PRESENT and see if they can’t stay a week or so. If your family live to far away, may I suggest friends? Make sure everybody gets drunk too, just to be really annoying.  But for reals? Sit him down, let him know that as much as he loves having them over at every family gathering, why is it that no one is asking and respecting your opinions about this? Tell him that you really just want the courtesy of being asked first and that he needs to have a word with them about not assuming. And no guy stuff blaming you to his family and making you the bad guy! (I hate that)

If none of that works at all: Sew lace on all his underwear and when he freaks out about it, tell him that you’re sorry but you prefer it that way and who cares about what he wants anyway? That should drive a point or two home eh?

Angelia’s other question:  My youngest daughter is 11.  She has recently taken to adopting an accent causing her to mispronounce words and use horrendous grammar.  For instance, she may say something to the affect of “Momma, coo I ax joo somptin'” Umm…WHAT?!  Making her spell each mispronounced word and then repeat it until it comes out of her mouth properly is having little success.  Any ideas? Ughh, I hate it when your kids pick up annoying habits that grind on your last nerve! Obviously, your daughter has reached that ever wonderful age of where do I belong? And how do I stand out as an individual? Which basically means My friends are doing it, so whatever. All joking aside, here’s exactly how I would handle it, since you seemed to have already asked her a million times not to talk like this:  The next time she talks like that to you, stop what you are doing and look directly at her sternly. Then say to her You know what? I’ve asked a hundred times for you to not speak like that to me. So since you need to give respect to get respect, here’s the deal. Everytime you speak to me in that really annoying accent, I’m simply not going to listen. If this is how you and your friends want to talk, that’s cool, but I’d prefer not to me OK? But you can’t just stop there, you actually need to not answer her anytime she speaks to you like that. If she tries, just pretend she’s not talking and carry on doing what you are doing at the time uninterrupted. If she shouts, raises her voice, or gets angry, then you just need to let her know that her room is always available if she’s going to get loud. What kids really want, is your attention and she’s probably lapping up all the attention she’s getting with you getting worked up and making her spell words all the time. Hell, she’s likely showing off her spelling skills to you!

The other alternative is to just lock her up in her room for the rest of her life with nothing but a dictionary, but I’m guessing that’s probably not an easy option either.

Now it’s time for this month’s winner, somebody que that damn drumroll please….

Zeemaid from In the Mommy Trenches!!!!

Congrats Zeemaid! Thanks so much for entering and you’ll be featured on my sidebar all month long to remind you of all the fame and glory. OK, so it’s not exactly fame and glory but it is at least worth a tote bag. Please all go over and say hey to Zeemaid and check out her sweet blog, where I noticed she is cooking up Pancakes and homemade blueberry syrup over there. Oh damn, now I’m hungry…..

I hope to announce July’s Ask Me giveaway prize by Friday, so stay tuned and keep those questions rolling in guys!! Otherwise I’ll just be resorted to asking questions myself, which will get a little creepy when I start answering my own questions. You guys definitely do not wanna see that.

She’s getting on a bit

Try as I might, I cannot imagine my life without a dog in it. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a canine in my life, whether it was growing up or out on my own. It’s like some sort of strange force that doesn’t allow me to ever be dog-less. I think that’s the price we pay for being animal lovers. Or animal suckers is probably more accurate.

However, my dog Mystika is starting to show the signs that life doesn’t forget to make you grow old. Sure, on the outside she fools even the most experienced of vets, at first glance everyone mistakes her for a young dog. But the truth is, she just had her ninth birthday, putting her up amongst the more seasoned gals. Sibes tend to have an average life span of about 12-15 years, so it’s likely she’ll be around for quite a while longer. But on the other hand, I’m starting to have to look ahead and prepare for anything, since now it’s not just what if she runs off into trouble but the very real what if she gets ill? Those worries are always there of course when you own a pet, but they become amplified when they begin to reach a certain age. So now we are getting some pet insurance quotes to see if we can get some better coverage for her, since I really don’t want to be in a position to worry about the cost of care vs my dog’s health.

I want to believe that she’ll be able to grow old gracefully, enjoy her last years with us and be allowed to be a cranky old lady. (ok not too cranky, just a little) So far, I think that’s exactly what she’s doing. But it’s hard to make those little adjustments to older life with her, like looking at her diet to insure she’s getting what she needs for a mature lady (Prune dog food anyone?). Or having to admit that maybe she’s starting to need more naps during the day since her energy is getting less. Don’t get me wrong, when she’s got energy she’s got it, but I see her needed a little extra sleep now and then. (You can’t hide it Girl) I suppose the deeper part of me just wants her to be two years old forever.

However, there  is also  something oddly satisfying knowing I’ve been there her whole life, seeing the little puppy grow into a dog and fill our house with so much joy and chaos. I mean let’s be real, dogs can turn your world upside down and I can’t tell you how many things she’s chewed over the years! Or seeing how smart she is opening the touch top garbage bin on her own to see what we’ve got to snack on, much to my annoyance of course. I remember a few years ago I put her in boarding while I was on holiday and when I arrived back to collect her the owners said she gave them quite the scare. Seems they couldn’t find her one day, until they saw the other dogs making a fuss and they looked up to find her on top of the kennels! She’d jumped their 6 foot fence and got on the tops of the kennels and was teasing the other dogs. Like I said…chaos! Oh she can be a sweet little nightmare sometimes, but hey, I love her to bits. Even if she tries bossing me around about getting her dinner sorted. I never listen, I do it when I’m ready. She knows it, but insists on trying anyway.

I just know there’s plenty of life in the old gal, but it’s time to see things how they are and prepare for whatever comes our way. So long as we can see it out together, I’ll be fine.

Even if we don’t always see eye to eye. Like whether or not she’s allowed to play with the neighbors cat.

That’s a big fat noooooo Mysty…….

This post was sponsored

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