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10 things NOT to buy him for Valentines

Alright, so here’s installment number two on the Valentine’s posts. Since yesterday we covered what not to buy for the lady in your life, I thought, being the totally fair and wonderful person that I am (Ah hem!) I’d do a guide for the ladies on what not to buy men. It’s only fair, since men get a pretty bad deal sometimes (no really, read the post) and if we really want them to think so much about us, it’s got to work both ways.

So the official, honey put that crap down and think about what NOT to buy him for Valentine’s list for our spunky hunks.

1. Novelty underwear. We’re not talking about undies with funny slogans like Warning: Choking Hazard, which might not only make him smile and laugh but actually wear. No, I’m talking those wonder undies that women tend to flock to when they see them in the stores, you know, the ones where you want to put his manhood inside a fluffy front that makes it look like an elephant. Do you really want to do that? WHY?! Yes, I know it’s funny, hilarious even, to picture your guy sporting an elephant trunk, but let’s think about this shall we? You want him to dress up his prized possession, stand in front of you, so you can laugh at it? How the hell is this a good thing? You know I’m pretty sure if the tables were turned this wouldn’t go down so well. That tener could totally be better spent. Trust me.

2. Tickets to a show that you really want to see. You know when I spoke about guys buying DVDs that were really for them? Yeah, women do the same sort of thing except we tend to go a bit more OTT and arrange an entire night out doing crap that we really think is awesome. Honey! I totally bought you tickets to go see Cats! because I was thinking how romantic it would be if we had this big night out with dinner and a show, since we never do that sort of thing, and well, Happy Valentine’s Day! His gift, blown, on Cats! because you think it would be totally romantic and such a great night and he’s sitting there thinking Oh god, why the hell would I want to go see a bunch of freaks dressed up on stage meowing? It’s not even strippers….. If you decide to do such a thing, I suggest you don’t whine when your birthday arrives and you get Monster Truck Rally tickets. Just seriously go and drink lots of beer and burp just for him.

3. Tools. Right, similar rules apply here for when women get household appliances. He really has to want these tools AND you really need to know which tools. If he is drooling over a drill and you ran out and bought him a crappy one and NOT the Makita one he was lusting over, you’ve pretty much bought the one he’ll rarely use. Yes I know, it was 129.99, the one he might have mentioned when you were half listening, half screaming at kids. But it’s 129.99 for a reason, because, I dunno something about it has a kick ass motor? I have no idea, but he does. If your guy is not into DIY and gets a drill anyway, he is going to use it for all the little crap around the house that will scare the daylights out of you and never on anything worth while. Why are you using a drill to fix the window?!?!

4. Teddy Bears. Tricky tricky. We women fall in love with these little teddy bears at the shops, the ones with giant hearts that say I love you. When you are first with your guy, these things totally work. You know, when you are at the stage of your relationship where every damn thing you do is still cute. It’s also cute if you haven’t gotten him a Teddy bear in a long time and decide to put it amidst a few other Valentine’s things. But what the hell is he going to do with a teddy bear?! Are you going to be asking him what that cute little teddy bear is doing on the floor under the bed later mating with the dust bunnies?! The one you gave him expressing your undying love for him with 2 months ago on Valentine’s?! See, why would you even go through the hell of that argument?

298785. Willy Warmer. He is never going to use that. Not even if it’s -20 outside and his Willy is freezing it’s little nuts off. Nope. It will be at home, in the back of some drawer, unused. Why did you buy it again? Oh yeah, so you could make that joke about how his man thang would now be totally hot…..riiiiiight.

6. Ring for Sex bell. Oh but you’ll be damned sure he’ll use this one. At least for the first month until you totally get jiggy on his butt and break it, throw it across the room and tell him there is such a thing called decency and that you are tired since you’ve had a tough week and could he please be a bit more considerate of your feelings for a change. Then he’ll remind you that you bought it for him and he was only trying to lighten the mood a little bit since you’ve had a tough week and he’s heard all about it every single damn day and why is this all his fault anyway?! He’s not your boss, or the kids ring-for-sex-belland crap he even made you coffee this morning, what the hell!? See….divorce court.

7. A new tie. Is he a tie collector? No? Huh…why the hell would he want this then?! Even if he wears a tie everyday, I’m pretty sure he has enough in the closet. I know he doesn’t own any deep purple ones and that this one matched that new shirt you got him for Christmas. On the other hand I’m also pretty sure he didn’t buy you a pair of socks for Valentine’s day either. Not even blue ones to match that blouse that you bought yourself for Christmas.

8. Stupid T-shirts. You got, a really nice heart shaped necklace encrusted with diamonds. He got, Got Cupid? Yes I do! Bound and locked in my trunk T-shirt to commemorate the day. Yeeeahhhh…unless he is totally into stupid T-shirts and would fall over sideways at the prospect of a new stupid T-shirt, I really can’t see how fair this is. UNLESS you put it amongst some other, super cool presents to go with it and present him with the ultimate Valentine’s bundle that included a stupid T-shirt as a bonus. That’s edging a little more to the fair side of the deal.

9. 100 Love songs CD. Awww, you got him a CD with 100 love songs? Those puppy eyes he’s giving you honey aren’t because he’s so touched by the CD, its the sheer utter disappointment that he got the CD AND that you are now going to force him to listen to I wanna know what love is by Foreigner, amongst other 1980 classic love songs for the next 2 hours. If you want to buy a love CD to set the mood for a romantic evening with him (i.e. you are cooking just for him, by candlelight amongst other goodies…Ah hem…) then fine. Just play it in the background to set the mood, but don’t wrap that crap up and present it to him as HIS gift. He would never ask for 100 Love Songs CD. Ever. He would much prefer 100 songs to Air Guitar to any day. (also, no chick flicks. Remember how you didn’t want Star Trek series 3 DVDs? He doesn’t want Love Actually either)

10. Viagra. Argue all you want about it helping to make the ultimate night of passion. I’m pretty sure this is going to send totally the wrong message and guess what? You get to sit there strategically explaining how it’s not because things aren’t already hot in the bedroom, but because you want them hotter longer. Which still pretty much leaves things open for things not being quite as hot as you want them to be. I dunno, this kind of crap is best discussed as a couple and not gotten off the black market as a present. Maybe it’s just me…

So there’s at least 10 things you should avoid when shopping for your man this Valentine’s Day. Because when it comes to the big Day O’ Love, you might be thinking that watching a romantic film by candlelight is the sweetest thing ever, while he does everything in his power not to fall asleep wondering why this movie didn’t include mud wrestling.

Remember this is your gift to him, if you expect him to think of you when he chooses your perfect gift then you need to get a good sense of your man. Which might be less hearts and more porn. Just sayin’…..

14 Responses to “10 things NOT to buy him for Valentines”

  1. Eva Gallant says:

    I love the Willy Warmer! lol Really funny post.
    .-= Eva Gallant´s last blog ..Silent Sunday: Deer Yards =-.

    • mesina says:

      I know! It’s almost half tempting to buy it just so I can make that joke and yet…it’s sooo wroooong! then again I can just see me ending up using it for my feet or something. Hmmm….

  2. Lol! So true! Thanks for this, I think guys definitely get jipped in this holiday!

    Droppin’ in from SITS!
    .-= A Scrap of Time´s last blog ..Bridal Shower Premade Scrapbook Page Set =-.

  3. Ivan says:

    Myself, I’ve never thought about a gift for me on V-day, but I’d have to say that you hit the nail on the head with this one… I suppose now I’ll have to go back and read yesterday’s…

    • mesina says:

      Ivan… well thank goodness I got it right! Whooo me! You never thought about yourself for V-day?! *gasp* I hope you read the previous post too 🙂
      Danielle and Heather, glad you liked it! Thanks both for stopping in, I’ll be by to check out your blogs too 😀
      Brent, haha thank you. Yes the elephant undies……I know, so unreal that someone A) came up with the idea at all (like wot?!) and B) chicks actually buy this crap for their guys! *GASP* It’s evil. And I’m pretty sure illegal somewhere…..

  4. Danielle says:

    LOL!
    Those are good.

    Stoppin’ by from SITS!
    .-= Danielle´s last blog ..You Might Be A VBACtivist If…. =-.

  5. Brent Allard says:

    Awesome post. Although I wish I’d never read about the Elephant underwear. Why would anyone design such a thing?
    .-= Brent Allard´s last blog ..Little Ceasar =-.

  6. Love the top 10 list… first visit – found you on SITS 🙂
    .-= Heather ~ Acting Balanced Mom´s last blog ..Sunday Family Stories – I’m a Tea Granny… =-.

  7. Persis says:

    This is perfect reading for a dull Monday Morning…SITS sent me by and I’m glad they did! =)

  8. Kristen D. says:

    I literally spit out some of my coffee when I saw the Willy Warmer!!! Bwaaahh! Hilarious!

    Stopping by from SITS!!!
    .-= Kristen D.´s last blog ..Just 2 more days!!! =-.

  9. Kristal says:

    wow… that is a great a post – funny and so true!

    Visiting from sits
    .-= Kristal´s last blog ..*Not-so* Wordless Wednesday =-.

  10. Hiya, i’ve been visiting your site and it looks really really neat. I’m create a family blog and struggling to make it look good. How hard was it to build your site? Could someone like me, a newbie do it? I always wanna to create something like this. Just wanna tell u your blog seem broken when I browse using Iphone.

  11. Correen says:

    Right on with #10…HooRah!! Sniggle! This whole damn article left me with a huuuugh smile on my face. AND…I couldn’t resist sharing it!

    • mesina says:

      Hey Correen, thanks for stopping by and taking time to say hello! So glad you liked the article, smiles are what we are all about ’round here! Shared too?! Awww now that’s just super lovely and awesome and well…..you have impeccable taste if I do say so myself….Ah hem… 🙂

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