Ninja Mouse

Some body’s been screwing with my cosmic alignment.

I mean, there is no way this shit happens to other people.

It started with the freaking garbage men and ended with me hyperventilating. So when I say started with the garbage men, you know this is gonna end bad don’t you?

Some environmentalist freaks decided that in our neighborhood, we should have two garbage bins – recycling and non recycling. Which is pretty cool in theory, except that what bin gets collected alternates each week. That totally works when the garbage men actually empty out the bins. Yeah. They sorta of ”forgot” our bin one week. (I smell a conspiracy) So for two weeks I had to put up with excess garbage at my house – so I had like four extra bags outside when the idiots showed up to finally empty it out again. Until I remembered that actually, there was one last bag in the garage that needed to be taken and since it’s all their fault they are so gonna take it.

That’s when all this went really bad.

The next thing I know, a teenage girl is screaming her head off and I’m shouting that it’s not me that stinks it’s just a stupid garbage bag and could she please chill the hell out so I can focus on taking out all my emotional problems on the garbage men.

It’s not the smell, it’s a mouse! Great. He had jumped off the rubbish bag I had in my hands, having been all stealthed on it.

So after assaulting the garbage men with my last bag of rubbish and it’s actually your fault I have all this crap and uh no we are not freaking hillbilly’s whatever…I walk back in praying that the mouse has run out the front door. Apparently, he’s just run behind the curtain by the front door. Shit. So now, I have to look all big and brave in front of my kids, cos I’m the adult here (seriously who the hell gave me that job?). I pull the curtain back and see…. nothing. See? He’s gone. Let’s all move on now. I give the curtain a little shake to prove it and

that little ninja bastard jumped straight on top of my head! MY HEAD!

Can you fucking believe this?! That twat, climbed up the curtain, ambushed me and launched himself onto the floor laughing, only to run back behind the freaking curtain again!

So of course I screamed like a total wussy and ran so fast into my living room that I bashed my arm on the door running in. So now my fuckin’ arm hurts thanks a lot you little ninja twit as well as now being scarred for L-I-F-E. After like 15 minutes of me hyperventilating, I came up with a plan to get that karate chopping fur ball out of the house, which involved a mop and an ironing board – hey don’t judge me, you try thinking straight during the aftershock of a ninja ambush and it was all the shit I had handy… anyways….I decided to set up a road block to force him out the front door (Que ironing board) and use the mop to pull back the curtain with since there was no freaking way I was going too close to that again.

While setting this all up my daughter says Mom that is totally not gonna work, I mean there’s a massive gap on the end of that ironing board where he can just run out, omg. And I was like shut-up, who the hell is the adult here huh?  And that was when she said you know what, I don’t even know anymore. So I was all set to prove her wrong and show her who had the awesome planning skills here. After pulling back the curtain you know what?

That little jerk ran straight through that goddamn gap and into my living room and then I don’t even know where.

I am never going to live this down. Since my cosmic alignment is already  screwed beyond hope, I put Maurice in charge of catching the ninja mouse cos I obviously don’t need anymore bad Karma. I must have been a cat in my previous life.

I bet that little bastard is stealthed somewhere in the house. Breathe Mesina…just breathe.

Nuby

This is a review post

When it comes to baby stuff, you can get lost in a sea of choices. What’s the essentials? What can we do without? What can’t we do without?

Since I was sure after I had my third child that I was done having kids, I sorta never kept hold of much in the way of baby essentials. So when I figured out that actually, I’m not done having kids I got to start from scratch with baby stuff. Sounds fun in theory, but really it’s just super expensive. On the other hand, I’ve been amazed at how quickly these things advance but thankfully not everything plays music and lights up. My sanity people, is already on the edge.

So in the midst of all my headspinning complexities of baby crap, Nuby got hold of me and said honestly lady, it’s not that hard. Let us send you some stuff to prove it’s really not complicated. So I agreed and made them pinky swear that they wouldn’t send me anything in girl colors, since my son has a reputation to uphold and can’t be caught out with a hot pink barbie bottle or something weird. He’s way too much of a man for that. So was I impressed with the selection of goods Nuby had on offer? Cross my heart and hope to get bombed on by a bird if I’m lying – this stuff is fast becoming essentials for Jared and I. Let me give you the low down.

Cherry and Natural Flex orthodontic Soothers I knew about these prior to being sent them, since Nuby and Tommie Tippee used to produce these together. None of my kids have yet to take to a dummy (pacifier for us US folks) but Jared is a let me see if I can get milk out of there sort of kid. However NO dummy to date has been able to win him over. I did my homework about which type breastfed babies tended to go for, and this was the one always suggested by other Mom’s. But here in the UK, parents were giving their right arm on Ebay begging to get hold of the old Tommie Tippee ones which were discontinued a while back. Fret no more, Nuby is selling them on their own now and even Jared will take to this one once in a while! (But he’s still not a die hard dummy baby – he’s trying to be a thumb sucker). The unique design? The dummy isn’t just a piece of silicone attatched to plastic. It’s actually a soft silicone base on the plastic piece that gently moves in and out when the baby sucks, mimicking a breast. It’s also slightly textured to help sooth gums for teething. I’ve heard of Mom’s swearing by this dummy alone, so it’s certainly worth a shot if your baby loves dummies.

Silicone Nurser bottles These are the coolest thing and not something I’ve actually seen anywhere else so far. The entire bottle is soft squeezable silicone, designed for the first stages in bottle feeding. Now Jared is a breastfed baby, but recently we’ve had to top him up with a bottle or two a day of formula because I’m not joking or exaggerating when I say I was feeding 90% of the day. Although these are designed for first bottle feeds, I think we will be using them until he gives up the bottle habit. Since he is breastfed and trying to hold his bottle with his fists, when he touches these ones he seems to be a bit more comforted. I think the soft silicone is the closest thing to feeling ”fleshy” – in a good way guys! Also, you can give it a squeeze to push out the air creating a bit less air gulping. I also got sent their ”normal” bottles from the Natural Touch range, which are lovely bottles, but nothing vastly different from the other bottles you can get on the market with the breast shaped teats.

The Nibbler As soon as Jared is actually on solids, I doubt I will be anywhere without this. You might have seen something similar before, but this is a weaning thing (I dunno, tool? Thingy-ma-bob? Doo-hickey?) that you twist open and pop solid bits of food (like say carrots, fruit, ice cubes, etc) into the mesh bag and let the babies nibble on them safely. It prevents the babies from getting any big chunks in their mouths and choking, but allows them to get the flavor and have fun munching on stuff. It is so awesome! They are also not expensive at all, Nuby has them on their website for £3.99. So when I got it, I thought the only major downside was if the mesh wore out, got a hole, ripped, whatever. But I was looking on their website and BAM! they sell 3 packs of mesh replacements for the same price as the Nibbler. It’s like they read my mind. The handle is a nice and chunky, very durable and easy to hold for little ones. I put one in Jared’s hand (he’s coming up to 4 months) and even he could hold it. There is no way the babies could accidentally twist these open when you weren’t looking, you have to actually push in the sides and twist, for any Mom’s out there who would be worried about that. We know how sneaky those kids are….

Grip N Sip cups Jared can’t use these yet (we tried, he stared at me like You do know how old I am right? You fail at Motherhood) However, I’d like to think four kids makes me a sippy cup expert since I’ve already seen three of them past that stage in life. Most sippy cups are hard plastic things, with plastic tops that eventually get teeth marks ingrained into the spout and people look at you as though you’ve let your dog chew on them before shoving them into your kid’s mouth. Which may or may not be true, that part is irrelevant. These ones though, are hard plastic bottoms, with a tough plastic lid BUT…the actual spout bit is soft silicone (Nuby loves their silicone huh?) almost like a bottle teat. I really think this makes it far better on the little one’s mouths, and since there really isn’t a way that they can treat this like a bottle (I mean what would be the point if that was the case?) this is still a step away from the bottle itself. So then I was like yeah but what if the spout eventually rips from wear and tear? Goodbye cup! So once again I got onto their website and Badda-Bing! Nuby sells replacement spouts for the cup for £1.99! So, no more being judged by other people who think you are too cheap to buy your dog his own chew toy, these will stay free of teeth marks and be nicer for your little one to drink out of.

IcyBite teething keys I actually remember buying these keys for my daughter. Keys are always something kids love, even key shaped toys and although I’m sure it’s the noise they make when they jingle, they are the sort of thing that always makes the toy box. These are nice, because the keys themselves are stuffed with a safe gel material. Pop the keys in the freezer and the gel freezes up and stays cold for a while to soothe baby’s sore gums. Now Jared might only be coming up to 4 months, but he’s been teething since he was 2 1/2 months already (yes all my kids get their teeth early – my older son was 12 weeks old and cut TWO at once). Between the gum numbing gel and these keys, he’s coping with the pain but not really getting a grip on the drooling thing. These keys actually won the Practical Parenting Bronze award and are only £3.99 on Nuby’s website – well worth the four quid if you ask me.

So there you have it, some essentials to pop on your baby list and even a few bonus things that you can pick up for a seriously reasonable price. I’m really impressed with the quality, but most of all the price of the stuff on their site to be honest.

A huge thank you to Nuby for being so generous! And thanks also to Mom Bloggers Club  for putting us all together for this. If you want anything for your little one here’s their website.  In the US? Nuby is there too, here’s where to go if you’re Stateside!

Absolutely everything in this review is 100% my own opinion. From one Mother to another. See my promise here.

FYI the News edition

Ahhh, the smell of Saturday. Just take a whiff my lovelies and enjoy. You know what, next time I’m going to take a whiff somewhere away from my freaking dog first. Damn, what do I feed her?!

Ah hem…. well since it’s Saturday, you all know what that means right? Right? I’m only going to excuse those new around here. FYI Saturday, crap you never wanted to know – that’s right, now you’re sure to be a hit at your next Bar Mitzvah. Unless you’re not Jewish in which case I’m not even sure why you’d be at a Bar Mitzvah, but if you find yourself at one now you have conversation pieces to woo everyone with. Awesome.

Today is the News edition of FYI, so I’m bringing you news stories from around the globe that are sure to make you and your family feel much less dysfunctional. I mean it’s just as good as watching an episode of Cops you guys, doesn’t that always make you feel less dysfunctional? It’s what I watch when I’m feeling all trashy, it gives me a boost.

So FYI

New York police hunt Darth Vadar after he robs a bank. Going over to the Dark Side doesn’t pay, just ask Darth. It seems that the famed supervillain entered a New York bank armed and demanding money wearing his well known suit complete with the lifesaving helmet, shirt, cape and uhh…camouflage trousers? Really Darth? Was this a casual dress down day or something? New Yorkers will however be pleased to know, Darth supports the New York Yankees. The bag he used to rob the bank was indeed a Yankee bag. No word yet as to whether local Jedi’s are working with the NYC police department as Yoda was not available to make any comments on the matter. See here for the full story.

Man in jail for just wanting a hug. But let’s not get all gooey over him just yet, the man punched another man who had refused to hug him. Awwww, bless his little psycho mind. I mean, knocking the guy out for not giving him a hug? Somehow, I’m thinking he has some issues from childhood. Thankfully he didn’t ask him out for a romantic dinner for two…..it could have been so much worse. Check it out here.

Automatic cow wash set to boost milk production. Yep, you read it right – an automatic cow wash system from a Swedish company may soon be adopted here in the UK. Apparently the swinging brush system can boost milk production by up to 3.5 per cent – it seems that even Bessie takes pride in her appearance. A car wash for cows? Seriously? They even described it as going at an ”animal friendly speed” – and what speed would that be? Can you imagine one of those brushes going Turbo animal friendly speed? I think Bessie would be pumping out milk shakes in no time. Proof I’m not making this crap up.

 Man loses marriage over his addiction to eating light bulbs. Ummm….oh my god. This guy eats around 25 light bulbs a month and has been addicted since his first taste at 12 where he ate one as a dare. OK, I can see a 12 year old doing something that stupid as a dare, but come on he’s 52 years old now! He kept his addiction secret from his wife and used to closet eat the bulbs until she caught him one day. She left him after that saying it was just ”too weird”. Personally, I think it’s a little twisted too. However, I would have been tempted to stuff a switch somewhere and see if he glowed. I mean, he might come in handy if you need a bedside lamp or something. It’s like a whole new meaning to being turned on. Here’s his story.

Bosnian man claims aliens are attacking his home. His home has reportedly been hit with meteorites six times since 2007. He says, and I quote ”I am obviously being targeted by aliens.” Uh huh….. “I don’t know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense.” Yeah, you are right dude, it’s totally obvious that Gangster aliens are targeting your house cos you pissed them off. I mean, no one messes with ”Da Family” right? So they all keep doing a ”Fly By” every so often, chucking meteorites at your house just to keep you in check. Why did no one except you think of this? There might not be, oh I dunno, a scientific reason for this? Maybe your horoscope says something more reasonable, perhaps your cosmic alignment is out of whack. You know what, just sober up and get back to me on this. Some people’s kids ya know?

Well, I hope you guys feel a little more normal now after reading this, I know I don’t. So, whatever you get up to doing this weekend please do it safely. Because no one wants to piss off the head of the alien Mob and get fly by’s of meteorite attacks. No really, you’ll lose a lot of friends if that starts happening to you. Even outer space has a Don….

Nobody, I mean nobody messes wit da family....ya got dat?

Holy mother of  Mars.

Day 21

Day 21.  It’s been 21 long days. This may be my last correspondence, as I sense the natives closing in on me. I have tried to make peace with them, but somehow I cannot get through. Their language is strange and difficult to grasp and all my hopes of communication seem lost. In the past few days, they seem to have grown hostile towards me for reasons I am still failing to understand. Did I gesture something offensive? Perhaps said something they have misunderstood? I don’t know, but I can hear them whispering nearby often and watching my every move. I have fled now into hiding, but I fear they know this place all too well and will soon come for me. One can only imagine what they will do, none of the possibilities is comforting.

The first few days were treacherous and I thought as though I wouldn’t make it out of here alive. The natives and I couldn’t communicate at all and I must admit I was easily frustrated attempting to bridge relations. Upon my first observations, I thought that the smaller natives would be the first to establish a repore with me, but in fact they are the most hostile of the group. They are persistant, ruthless and calculated. I fear them above all here. For a while it seemed as though we were learning to live amongst one another and there was a feeling of mutual understanding. What a fool I was to believe that. A damned fool. Recently one of the smaller ones began to turn and the attacks upon me began to increase rapidly. They shout such words at me, I’m sure they are vulgar. I wish I knew what they were plotting, what schemes they have in store for me. Perhaps it’s best I don’t know. 21 days suddenly feels like a lifetime. What am I to do? I can’t go back now, I’ve come so far, but if I don’t I fear the worst. I’m growing weak and paranoia is beginning to set in already. I know what I need to get well again, but they are standing in my way of obtaining it. The path there isn’t clear anymore, they have taken it upon themselves to block my way. Do they know what I need? Have they done this deliberately? I believe so, cutting off my supplies is perhaps a precursor to a huge attack upon me.

I hear them coming. They are just outside my hiding place, I think they have discovered me. I hear the small one shouting to round up the others. I have no choice now, I have to face them. I’m going to run, I have to try, I can’t give up. If I could just run to the coffee maker, just start it up, maybe just maybe I can evade the natives long enough for one cup. Just one, that’s all I need to make it out of here. This is my last hope, I pray it doesn’t fail this time. This isn’t going to be easy, I can feel myself shaking and sweating already. If I don’t make it and someone finds this letter, please do not come searching for me. It’s far too dangerous here, these people are ruthless.

Oh god, they’re banging on the door……

FYI, no one should give up coffee for 21 days. No. One.

Win a Boppy!

Here’s your chance to win a Boppy

In celebration of their UK launch, Boppy has generously offered to sponsor a competition on my blog to give one lucky reader their very own Boppy! What’s a Boppy you ask? Boppy is a fabulous breastfeeding support pillow, that you will soon not want to feed without. It’s already taken the US by storm and even my friends and family back home confirm that that Boppy is pretty much on every new Mom’s wish list of supplies. (And or the one gift they buy every new Mom they know!) If you want to read my full review of the Boppy, here it is! Trust me, I think here in the near future, the Boppy mania will set in here too.

Even if you are not expecting yourself, or have any children still breastfeeding, you can still enter to win this as a fantastic gift for a Mum-to-be!

Because this is the UK launch, I’m afraid it’s only open to UK residents.

Here are the competition rules:

• Write a post on your blog telling me all about your favorite moment in parenting OR a fond childhood memory and include a link back to this post. (This could be a funny antic that your child got up to, the moment you found out you were expecting, etc. The post doesn’t have to be long, it’s all up to you.)
• OR post your favorite picture of your little one on your blog and include a link back to this post telling your readers about it.
• Come back here and leave me a comment linking to your post. 

Want a second entry? Follow me on Twitter and Tweet this post! (let me know you did it!)

Deadline for entry is Saturday the 31st of July with the winner being announced on Monday the 2nd of August!

 Good luck to everyone!

** Ask Me. Get Promoted. Win stuff. will be the regular feature once again in August, with a yummy prize from Hotel Chocolat  so get your questions sent into me at mesina@artisticallynuts.com!**